How Many Dates Before Your Relationship Is Official?

There's nothing more exciting than the start of a new relationship, when all of those little things begin to fall into place. You're spending a lot more time together (and enjoying every minute of it!), and you're growing closer every day. You might be wondering if now's the time to become official and define your status—but how do you really know? How many dates are you supposed to go on before hitting the relationship milestone? And, most importantly, even if you are positive it's time, how do you know your partner is on the same page?

For help answering these questions, we turned to Sarah Kahan, a licensed clinical social worker in Brooklyn who helps individuals and couples navigate relationships. According to Kahan, there is no set rule or exact number of dates that prelude a full-fledged relationship—these things vary by couple and circumstance. Instead, she suggests looking out for a few key signs that may indicate that you (and your partner!) are ready to take that next step. And since having these conversations can feel scary at first (especially if you aren't entirely sure where you stand), she also provided some advice on how to go about the transition.

How Many Dates Should You Go on Before Your Relationship Is Official?

There is no real answer to this question, says Kahan. "It is so varied and so individualized," she shares. "There is no real number that I can give." But there is at least one general rule: You can't have this conversation after the first few dates—or even within the first few weeks. After all, it takes time to see if a relationship has legs and the ingredients necessary to become something more serious. "In the beginning, you want to see if there is commonality, if you enjoy each other, if you are attracted to each other, and that takes time," she explains. "Then it gets deeper and you start to share more personal things, more emotional things, and you want to see if the other person has the emotional depth to match yours."

That last step—breaching that emotional wall—is the key to knowing whether or not you're headed for a more defined relationship status. "Finally, you need to feel like you can get vulnerable with that person," says Kahan. "Getting vulnerable is scary. You have to go slow and test the waters, like putting your toe into the cold water and testing it out. That also takes time." For these reasons, you can't be official after the first few dates.

Signs You're Going from Casually Dating to an Official Relationship

While there is no hard and fast rule about how long it should take to go from casually dating to an official relationship, there are some signs to look out for that prove your relationship is entering the next phase.

You mindfully communicate.

The first indicator that you might be ready to become official is if you have solid communication, says Kahan. "It's about the ability to really hear each other, to not jump to conclusions, to be able to listen and to be open-minded, and to be able to put yourself in the other person's shoes and vice versa," she explains. "If you can understand how the other person feels and really be able to express yourself, that's what a couple should be working on."

You don't want to see anyone else.

Another sign you are ready to be official is that you both have incorporated one another into your lives fully. "It's about how much space the other person is taking in your brain," says Kahan. "Do you want to be narrow-minded in terms of focusing on this relationship as opposed to being curious about other people? That is a clue that you are getting serious."

You had a challenging conversation, but heard each other out.

Before getting serious, you have to prove that you can overcome adversity and tell each other how you really feel. "If you tell your partner something, and you don't like the reaction, it's not necessarily a deal-breaker," Kahan says. In fact, working through these challenging conversations is a good test: "It's about seeing if you can work it through as a couple. You have to be able to say, 'This was hard for me to share, and I was hoping you would react in a certain way, and when you didn't I got hurt.' Then the other person can say, 'Oh wow. I didn't realize that. I am so sorry,'" she adds.

The takeaway? "If you can talk, and the other person hears you, and you feel heard, and the other person wants to understand you, those are good, healthy signs," says Kahan.

How to Make Your Relationship Official: Conversation Tips

So you've decided your relationship really is strong, and you want to move into the next phase. How do you go about doing it? Kahan says no matter how tempting technology is, the most important thing is to have a face-to-face conversation. "It's never okay to do it over email, phone, or text," she says. "Serious conversations about where we are going and what we are doing should really be done in person."

If you are feeling nervous or vulnerable, share that with your partner up front. "Some people are more comfortable being straight up and bringing it up, but other people are not so comfortable," Kahan says. "You can say to your partner, 'I am uncomfortable. I am a little hesitant. I am a little nervous.' If you give someone a heads up that you are about to do something that isn't easy for you, it can be a nice way to prepare them."

It's often the case in a new relationship that both people are not on the same page at the same time. Somebody can really like you and want to keep dating you—but not be ready to make it official. If you bring up "the conversation" to your partner, and he or she isn't ready to take the leap, ask yourself how much you can really tolerate. Can you be patient or do you really want to be exclusive right now? "For one person, a deal-breaker can be, 'Well, we are exclusive, this is what I want,'" explains Kahan. "Other people have more of a high tolerance for ambiguity. It really depends on your personality."

Whether you are initiating the conversation about being serious or responding to it, the most important thing is to be honest. "The more a person is emotionally healthy or psychologically healthy, the less they are willing to let it coast along and say, 'It's okay, it's okay,'" says Kahan. "A relationship needs to really feel good. You can't lie to yourself."