Failure,
I'm not sure if you'll respond to this because I think it's kind of a stupid or maybe impossible question for someone else to answer, but here it is. Am I gay? I've been wondering and uncertain about my sexuality since I was 15. I'm 25 now. I feel like this is something I should know about myself by now, but I don't.
Here's why I'm confused: When I was younger, I tended to have crushes on people who were the same gender as me, so I thought I was gay. But I never came out or really talked about it with any of my friends because as we got older, like when we became teenagers, I found myself still having romantic or crushy feelings for people of the same gender, but I found myself most sexually attracted to the opposite gender, though not as much romantically.
I've tried explaining this to friends and they all have been accepting and supportive. I have a lot of friends who consider themselves gay or queer, but none of them can fully relate to my experience, so I feel like a weirdo. I've had two significant relationships. My first was with someone of the opposite gender who I lost my virginity to, but it never felt that romantic for me though we've since become good friends. The other person was more recent and I fell completely head over heels for them. We made art for each other and playlists and made music together and I loved making out and cuddling, but when it came to sex, I found myself feeling like I was going through the motions, not feeling real desire like I've felt when I've been with people of the opposite gender. I find myself super romantically and sexually attracted to people who are more androgynous or nonbinary, but it's rare that I actually meet someone like that in real life. I mostly thirst after them on the Internet 😅
I'm not in therapy, but I'm looking into it. I really want to be in a relationship, but I don't know how it's going to work considering everything I just shared. And I don't know if I should consider myself gay or queer when I'm generally romantically attracted to the same gender but not as much sexually. But identifying as straight doesn't feel right either even though I know most people assume I am straight. I've thought maybe one partner won't work for me, but when I imagine dating more than one person, I feel really overwhelmed. I'd appreciate anything you have to share!
Sexually Confused
Dear Sexually Confused,
I love your letter. Thank you for writing it and for trusting me with your situation and your story! I have to say, I feel a little incorrect referring to you as Sexually Confused, because you don't seem confused to me at all. At least not about your sexuality. You sound very clear in your current understanding of your experiences and desires. Perhaps it's more accurate to call you Maybe Gay instead!
I love that you've been able to distinguish between your experience of sexual, romantic, and platonic connection and the ways that they intersect or don't for you. That's not an easy thing to feel through, particularly when most of the narratives in our culture conflate sexual and romantic desire and there's also pressure for romantic partners to be our best friends on top of that!
Though our experiences are different, I relate a lot to what you've named in your letter and the bit of shame that seems to be lurking under the surface about it all. There's nothing wrong with you or how you feel or what you want. I commend you for honoring where you are and showing curiosity and compassion for yourself as you find your way forward.
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