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Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power
A smart, sexy guide to embracing the repressed, tabooed, and often unwanted aspects of ourselves so we can discover our inner power and finally live the life we deserve.
“We always get exactly what we want; but often, though we may not be aware of it, what we most want is dark—very dark.”
Each of us has a dual nature: we are light (conscious) and dark (unconscious). The dark side of our personality—the “other,” the shadow side—is made up of what we think is our primitive, primal, negative impulses—our “existential kink.” Our existential kink also drives the dark or negative repeating patterns in our life: always choosing the abusive partner or boss, settling for less, thinking that we’re undeserving, not worthy. But it also is the source of our greatest power.
In Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott, PhD, offers a truth-telling guide for bringing our shadow into the light. Inviting us to make conscious the unconscious, Elliott asks us to own the subconscious pleasure we get from the stuck, painful patterns of our existence.
Existential Kink provides practical advice and meditations so we truly see our shadow side’s “guilty pleasures,” love and accept them, and integrate them into our whole being. By doing so, Elliott shows, we bring to life the raw, hot, glorious power we all have to get what we really want in our lives.
“We always get exactly what we want; but often, though we may not be aware of it, what we most want is dark—very dark.”
Each of us has a dual nature: we are light (conscious) and dark (unconscious). The dark side of our personality—the “other,” the shadow side—is made up of what we think is our primitive, primal, negative impulses—our “existential kink.” Our existential kink also drives the dark or negative repeating patterns in our life: always choosing the abusive partner or boss, settling for less, thinking that we’re undeserving, not worthy. But it also is the source of our greatest power.
In Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott, PhD, offers a truth-telling guide for bringing our shadow into the light. Inviting us to make conscious the unconscious, Elliott asks us to own the subconscious pleasure we get from the stuck, painful patterns of our existence.
Existential Kink provides practical advice and meditations so we truly see our shadow side’s “guilty pleasures,” love and accept them, and integrate them into our whole being. By doing so, Elliott shows, we bring to life the raw, hot, glorious power we all have to get what we really want in our lives.
202 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2020
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July 21, 2020
First off, a caveat: I do not recommend this book, and I can't say that it was a particularly good book. The five-star rating is due to the fact that it was tremendously helpful to me personally, and was the right book at the right time.
Here's the premise of **Existential Kink**: Have you considered that you're into it?
That's basically the book's answer to everything, particularly about things you dislike. If you're in a situation that you dislike: Are you sure that some part of you isn't enjoying the complaining, the struggle, the position you put yourself in?
This is what is good about the book: It makes its point very clearly, repeatedly, and in a way that will allow you to apply it confidently. It includes a variety of strategies and methods of applying it. And, most notably, it includes a chapter detailing when **not** to apply this method, eg when you're depressed, when your issues are not structural, or when the problem is still very raw. I want every self-help author to be forced to include explicit notes on when their wondrously perfect new healing method does not work.
This is what is less good: The writing – wow, this book could've used an editor. It gets progressively better, but the beginning is a struggle of empty phrases. Then: the assumptions. To read this book, you either have to be into new wiccan woo (which I am not), or be willing to deal with the occasional occult content, either by skipping it, or by being amused, or by figuring out what the author is pointing at. All of these work, but only if you're willing to take the good parts and ignore the rest.
For me personally, the book has triggered several very helpful revelations that have had immediate practical use, and has expanded my knowledge of meditation/reflection techniques, including adding several books in that direction to my reading list.
Here's the premise of **Existential Kink**: Have you considered that you're into it?
That's basically the book's answer to everything, particularly about things you dislike. If you're in a situation that you dislike: Are you sure that some part of you isn't enjoying the complaining, the struggle, the position you put yourself in?
This is what is good about the book: It makes its point very clearly, repeatedly, and in a way that will allow you to apply it confidently. It includes a variety of strategies and methods of applying it. And, most notably, it includes a chapter detailing when **not** to apply this method, eg when you're depressed, when your issues are not structural, or when the problem is still very raw. I want every self-help author to be forced to include explicit notes on when their wondrously perfect new healing method does not work.
This is what is less good: The writing – wow, this book could've used an editor. It gets progressively better, but the beginning is a struggle of empty phrases. Then: the assumptions. To read this book, you either have to be into new wiccan woo (which I am not), or be willing to deal with the occasional occult content, either by skipping it, or by being amused, or by figuring out what the author is pointing at. All of these work, but only if you're willing to take the good parts and ignore the rest.
For me personally, the book has triggered several very helpful revelations that have had immediate practical use, and has expanded my knowledge of meditation/reflection techniques, including adding several books in that direction to my reading list.
April 21, 2021
Excerpt from the prologue, with commentary: [The ancient Greek myth of Persephone is] a sad, awful story of kidnapping, rape, control, violence, and abuse.
Yet.
For thousands of years it never occurred to anyone in Greece that there might be a King of the Underworld; there was just a Queen of the Underworld.[citation needed] Digging down into the most ancient layer of myth before the Persephone saga, there existed “She Who Destroys the Light.”[citation needed] Similar to the Hindu goddess Kali, Persephone was worshipped as the Goddess of Death.[citation needed]
So long before there was Pluto, there was Persephone, alone.[citation needed] Persephone was a maiden goddess in the sense that she was undivided, complete, whole-unto-herself. She was called Kore, which means “maiden”[confirmed] but also “core, heart.”[citation needed] She was understood to be the core, the heart, the essence of everything.[citation needed]
The tale of Pluto and the Rape of Persephone[Pluto is Roman, Persephone is Greek. I get that the names are often mixed in modern culture, but isn’t it more scholarly to keep the pantheons separate?] was a later invention; it came thousands of years after the first celebrations of the goddess.
What should we make of that?
What I make of it is this: Pluto is himself an unconscious aspect of the Kore's (Persephone's) divinity.[citation needed, and... “the” Kore?]
In modern astrology[here we go...], Pluto represents the Unconscious Divine: all of those vast forces of death and terror and rape and evil and destruction and hoarding of wealth.[citation needed] In other words, all the terrible things in this world that we habitually refuse to identify with and to take personal responsibility for in order to maintain our feeling of being “regular” ego selves.[citation... forget it—what the hell are you talking about??]
Pluto also represents the possibility of alchemy itself, the deliberate, miraculous transformations that become available when the powers of the Unconscious Divine are recognized, remembered, embraced, forgiven, loved, and made conscious.[citation neeee... huh?]
The way I see it, one day the great Kore got bored with being the solitary, boundlessly powerful ruler of the Underworld. She decided she wanted some drama to break up the eternal monotony of being complete-unto-herself, omniscient, and omnipotent.[citation needed]
So, the Kore split in two[citation needed]: she created a benevolent, sweet, conscious self and a vicious, unconscious divine twin, Pluto.[what?]
She split in order to experience herself as a separate, innocent individual—a perpetual little girl picking flowers in a meadow—AND, then to subsequently have the super-edgy, kinky experience of duality and sexuality and violence and all the terrifying thrills and chills that come with it.[come again?]
The Kore desired to experience a great story, and in a great story, whether comedy or tragedy, there are always struggle and obstacles and opposition. There are separation and reunion.
From this angle, the Rape of Persephone is the story of the singular divine choosing to create duality and then having a horrible, painful experience of itself and then ultimately returning to sovereignty, to union, this time with a self-awareness that can only come from having experienced itself as terrifyingly Other.[uh...]
Pluto is everything we experience as Other (which is to say “out there” in the great “not me” of the world), that's too horrible and too vast and sublime and violent to personally identify with.[Psychology treats Greek myths as models for human reasoning, so I get that it’s your first instinct to use a Greek myth to illustrate some primal instinct that drives human behavior, but was there really no easier way to make your point?]
In the public version[Did Robert Langdon uncover a new version?] of the Greek myth that has come down to us through the ages, after being kidnapped by Pluto, Persephone is ever-after a sad and unwilling Queen of the Underworld. Because she ate those damned (literally) pomegranate seeds, she can only spend six months of the year with her mother Demeter in the sunny fields of Olympus, and the rest of the time she's sentenced to the Underworld, surrounded by ghosts, married to her torturer.
This version of the myth isn't very magically inspiring, however, is it?
So I think there's reason to suspect that the “real story” of the Rape of Persephone, perhaps the one that was revealed to participants in the Mysteries of Eleusis—the highly secretive, great magic school of Ancient Greece[numerous citations needed.] [This group’s activities are secret to all except you? Funny how in the Middle Ages through the Renaissance, Ancient Greek culture was considered the pinnacle of human reason. Now Newage writers seem to think the Ancient Greeks were “magical.”]—is something much closer to this:
Persephone suffers through her ordeal (kidnap, rape, control) and then one night, deep in reflection on her miserable fate, she eats the food of the Underworld, seeds from a pomegranate. When she eats the seeds, she accepts the Underworld back into herself (literally ingests it) and remembers that she herself created Pluto by her own choice in order to experience herself as separate and innocent. It's an “aha” moment. As Persephone remembers this, she sees Pluto in a new light.[So Persephone created a man to rape her because she wanted to break up the monotony of her life, and now she’s learned to embrace this rapist part of herself as her better half because she enjoyed it and wants to live with it?] [And for the love of the gods, it’s Hades in this context, not Pluto!]
Instead of seeing a cruel monster, she sees a lover so selfless, so devoted, and so subservient, that he fully played the role of a malicious villain just because she asked him to.[Well that’s what happens when you have to marry your rapist.] Seeing this, Persephone forgives Pluto and they tenderly unite.[Because what she really wanted was to be raped? What a twist?]
Persephone goes on to reign as Queen of the Underworld, this time no longer bored and alone, but now with a devoted lover, and with full awareness of her power and all the responsibility it entails. This is an awareness that could only come by experiencing her own power as Other.[Embracing the part of yourself that enjoyed being raped will lead to a life of power and opportunity? Um... citation needed.]
The Underworld Mystery is this: Pluto, the Unconscious Divine, hateful as he seems, is in truth our own creation, a kind and devoted lover, and that all the vast power of Pluto becomes available to us when we remember this, forgive him, take responsibility for our own experience of his power (which was really ours all along), and love him.[Did the author really have to twist a Greek Myth to make the point that we so often are the cause of our own suffering? What the hell is the point of going so far out of your way for that???? This is the prologue, and already I’m doing spit-takes.]
Excerpt from chapter one: Many of my clients have doubled or tripled their incomes, found the true loves of their lives, rejuvenated marriages worn out by resentment, healed chronic health conditions, discovered a deep sense of comfort in their own skins, and broken through ancient creative blocks. And I'll be sharing excerpts from their real-life stories of transformation throughout this book.[Any book that promises to make me richer is automatic red flag.] [The underlying thesis, that we are often the cause of our own suffering, is nothing new. Lots of other authors have written about it, and I have seen people fall into the same patterns of behavior over and over, so there is value in understanding when we are the problem.] [She acknowledges this is building on top of “manifestation” teachings. The Secret. I never even finished watching that documentary I was laughing too hard—just the assertion that we can bring love and prosperity our way simply through positive thinking is insulting and self-reinforcing—oh I must not be praying/hoping/meditating hard enough so that’s why I’m still single and poor. Bullshit.]
Dissolving unconscious patterns by making them conscious (and thereby integrating your being, your will) allows you to wake up out of this powerlessness and become the captain of the ship of your own life. Once you do this kind of solve work on your unconscious, then the well-known methods of visualization, affirmation, spell-casting, and so forth, work quite beautifully, and with far less frustration.[Spell-casting? I thought you had a PhD.] [Still, what she proposes is not too far out there. Becoming aware of being codependent or enjoying feeling helpless and needy, and these things are keeping us in patterns of self-destructive behavior, is sound advice. Maybe she has a novel approach.]
From The Sexual Process of Magic, in Lesson 1: Existential Kink is a potent form of magic (also known as: “psychological integration”) in which the receptive feminine—the unconscious, the disowned and denied, the soul—becomes pregnant with the perfection-vision of our spirit—the masculine, projective part of our being, and eventually gives birth to positive synchronous manifestations in our lives.[You went to school to learn this stuff?]
This is actually the esoteric meaning of the Immaculate Conception. The Virgin Mary becomes pregnant with the total approval spirit energy of God—she lets its energy flow all the way down through her, to her instinctual animal self and genitals. When she does that, she conceives and later gives birth to Jesus Christ, who is a symbol of the Anima Mundi, the World Soul, aka the Self.[Did you take lessons from Jordan Peterson? This is a bunch of smart-sounding words strung together to make us think you have a profound point to make.]
Most of the book reads like this. I get it. We subconsciously create misery because we secretly desire it, so please don’t waste my time with talk of spell-casting and the receptive feminine as the unconscious and the disowned and whatever new-age gobbledygook you’re trying to sell me. What is this method? I skipped to the third lesson. The section headings are the EK Method in a nutshell:
1) Get yourself into a relaxed state.
2) Create a container for yourself by lighting a candle and some incense, and setting a timer for 15 minutes.
3) Identify a situation in your life that your conscious mind, your ego, does not like.
4) Identify exactly what feelings and emotions you associate with this situation.
5) Gently allow yourself to get in touch with the part of yourself that actually, passionately enjoys the feelings and emotions associated with your “don't like” situation.
That part of you has been silent up to now because your conscious mind has been shaming the enjoyment of the “bad” things in life, like scarcity, rejection, and self-hatred. So you need to carefully coax it out. Experiment with playfully saying the following EK statements to yourself: “I'm willing to stop pretending I don't enjoy XYZ tremendously.” or “I'm willing to allow myself to know about my secret, weird pleasure in XYZ.” or “It's okay for me to feel my forbidden, wicked enjoyment of XYZ without having to judge it negatively or disown it.”
6) Get on the side of your shadow (your previously unconscious sense of desire/curiosity/enjoyment) and deliberately, consciously, humbly allow yourself to receive, feel big gratitude for, and get off on the situation your unconscious so brilliantly created.
This is the alchemy, the moment of transmutation. So decide that for just fifteen minutes you're going to humble yourself, set aside all your negative judgment, you're going to set aside your shaming and your egoic thoughts of: “I don't like this,” “I don't want this to be this way,” “I want this to end,” “this sucks” and instead you're going to savor and get off on your unconscious creation.
You can experiment with more EK statements like: “This unconscious enjoyment matters just as much as any other enjoyment in my life.”
“My enjoyment of this fucked-up stuff is just as worthwhile and important as my enjoyment of sunshine and roses.”
“I honor this desire. I respect it. I'm allowed to enjoy this as exactly much as I do.”
“I embrace and receive these sensations.”
“I'm willing to feel the depth of my love for this.”
“I open up to feeling wild, insane gratitude and excitement about these sensations and this situation.”[So her method is to sit in a room, light a candle, and start telling yourself that you enjoy your shitty life—that you yourself have created it—“it’s mine and I will accept that I have manifested it because I want to be here and I enjoy it.”] [I have heard this line of reasoning before, in movies like “What the Bleep Do We Know,” which asserts that reality is contained in our minds, therefore our own thoughts create reality around us, therefore if we want to change our lives we need only change our thoughts. There is truth to that—our own thoughts can keep us in bad patterns of behavior—but manifestation dogma falls apart as soon as other people exist in the world.] [At some point, other people must be held accountable for shitty behavior and you should not and cannot blame yourself for their actions.] [The author writes in the prologue that Persephone created someone to rape her because, as a goddess, she subconsciously wanted to feel what it was like not to be in control of her life, so you should justify your suffering likewise. Don’t hold other people accountable for their shitty behavior—it’s all your fault! You created them to hurt you because that’s what you secretly get off to, so just accept it! That’s it. That’s the EK Method. Sit in a corner and convince yourself you are miserable because you want to be, and that will set you free, and now all sorts of wonderful life-changing opportunities will present themselves and... yeah read the testimonials of personal transformation. They’re not all that inspiring or “transformational.”] [I suppose if this book helps a few people recognize patterns of self-destructive behavior, that’s a good thing, but the implication that one should justify abuse as one’s own fault is just shit.]
Yet.
For thousands of years it never occurred to anyone in Greece that there might be a King of the Underworld; there was just a Queen of the Underworld.[citation needed] Digging down into the most ancient layer of myth before the Persephone saga, there existed “She Who Destroys the Light.”[citation needed] Similar to the Hindu goddess Kali, Persephone was worshipped as the Goddess of Death.[citation needed]
So long before there was Pluto, there was Persephone, alone.[citation needed] Persephone was a maiden goddess in the sense that she was undivided, complete, whole-unto-herself. She was called Kore, which means “maiden”[confirmed] but also “core, heart.”[citation needed] She was understood to be the core, the heart, the essence of everything.[citation needed]
The tale of Pluto and the Rape of Persephone[Pluto is Roman, Persephone is Greek. I get that the names are often mixed in modern culture, but isn’t it more scholarly to keep the pantheons separate?] was a later invention; it came thousands of years after the first celebrations of the goddess.
What should we make of that?
What I make of it is this: Pluto is himself an unconscious aspect of the Kore's (Persephone's) divinity.[citation needed, and... “the” Kore?]
In modern astrology[here we go...], Pluto represents the Unconscious Divine: all of those vast forces of death and terror and rape and evil and destruction and hoarding of wealth.[citation needed] In other words, all the terrible things in this world that we habitually refuse to identify with and to take personal responsibility for in order to maintain our feeling of being “regular” ego selves.[citation... forget it—what the hell are you talking about??]
Pluto also represents the possibility of alchemy itself, the deliberate, miraculous transformations that become available when the powers of the Unconscious Divine are recognized, remembered, embraced, forgiven, loved, and made conscious.[citation neeee... huh?]
The way I see it, one day the great Kore got bored with being the solitary, boundlessly powerful ruler of the Underworld. She decided she wanted some drama to break up the eternal monotony of being complete-unto-herself, omniscient, and omnipotent.[citation needed]
So, the Kore split in two[citation needed]: she created a benevolent, sweet, conscious self and a vicious, unconscious divine twin, Pluto.[what?]
She split in order to experience herself as a separate, innocent individual—a perpetual little girl picking flowers in a meadow—AND, then to subsequently have the super-edgy, kinky experience of duality and sexuality and violence and all the terrifying thrills and chills that come with it.[come again?]
The Kore desired to experience a great story, and in a great story, whether comedy or tragedy, there are always struggle and obstacles and opposition. There are separation and reunion.
From this angle, the Rape of Persephone is the story of the singular divine choosing to create duality and then having a horrible, painful experience of itself and then ultimately returning to sovereignty, to union, this time with a self-awareness that can only come from having experienced itself as terrifyingly Other.[uh...]
Pluto is everything we experience as Other (which is to say “out there” in the great “not me” of the world), that's too horrible and too vast and sublime and violent to personally identify with.[Psychology treats Greek myths as models for human reasoning, so I get that it’s your first instinct to use a Greek myth to illustrate some primal instinct that drives human behavior, but was there really no easier way to make your point?]
In the public version[Did Robert Langdon uncover a new version?] of the Greek myth that has come down to us through the ages, after being kidnapped by Pluto, Persephone is ever-after a sad and unwilling Queen of the Underworld. Because she ate those damned (literally) pomegranate seeds, she can only spend six months of the year with her mother Demeter in the sunny fields of Olympus, and the rest of the time she's sentenced to the Underworld, surrounded by ghosts, married to her torturer.
This version of the myth isn't very magically inspiring, however, is it?
So I think there's reason to suspect that the “real story” of the Rape of Persephone, perhaps the one that was revealed to participants in the Mysteries of Eleusis—the highly secretive, great magic school of Ancient Greece[numerous citations needed.] [This group’s activities are secret to all except you? Funny how in the Middle Ages through the Renaissance, Ancient Greek culture was considered the pinnacle of human reason. Now Newage writers seem to think the Ancient Greeks were “magical.”]—is something much closer to this:
Persephone suffers through her ordeal (kidnap, rape, control) and then one night, deep in reflection on her miserable fate, she eats the food of the Underworld, seeds from a pomegranate. When she eats the seeds, she accepts the Underworld back into herself (literally ingests it) and remembers that she herself created Pluto by her own choice in order to experience herself as separate and innocent. It's an “aha” moment. As Persephone remembers this, she sees Pluto in a new light.[So Persephone created a man to rape her because she wanted to break up the monotony of her life, and now she’s learned to embrace this rapist part of herself as her better half because she enjoyed it and wants to live with it?] [And for the love of the gods, it’s Hades in this context, not Pluto!]
Instead of seeing a cruel monster, she sees a lover so selfless, so devoted, and so subservient, that he fully played the role of a malicious villain just because she asked him to.[Well that’s what happens when you have to marry your rapist.] Seeing this, Persephone forgives Pluto and they tenderly unite.[Because what she really wanted was to be raped? What a twist?]
Persephone goes on to reign as Queen of the Underworld, this time no longer bored and alone, but now with a devoted lover, and with full awareness of her power and all the responsibility it entails. This is an awareness that could only come by experiencing her own power as Other.[Embracing the part of yourself that enjoyed being raped will lead to a life of power and opportunity? Um... citation needed.]
The Underworld Mystery is this: Pluto, the Unconscious Divine, hateful as he seems, is in truth our own creation, a kind and devoted lover, and that all the vast power of Pluto becomes available to us when we remember this, forgive him, take responsibility for our own experience of his power (which was really ours all along), and love him.[Did the author really have to twist a Greek Myth to make the point that we so often are the cause of our own suffering? What the hell is the point of going so far out of your way for that???? This is the prologue, and already I’m doing spit-takes.]
Excerpt from chapter one: Many of my clients have doubled or tripled their incomes, found the true loves of their lives, rejuvenated marriages worn out by resentment, healed chronic health conditions, discovered a deep sense of comfort in their own skins, and broken through ancient creative blocks. And I'll be sharing excerpts from their real-life stories of transformation throughout this book.[Any book that promises to make me richer is automatic red flag.] [The underlying thesis, that we are often the cause of our own suffering, is nothing new. Lots of other authors have written about it, and I have seen people fall into the same patterns of behavior over and over, so there is value in understanding when we are the problem.] [She acknowledges this is building on top of “manifestation” teachings. The Secret. I never even finished watching that documentary I was laughing too hard—just the assertion that we can bring love and prosperity our way simply through positive thinking is insulting and self-reinforcing—oh I must not be praying/hoping/meditating hard enough so that’s why I’m still single and poor. Bullshit.]
Dissolving unconscious patterns by making them conscious (and thereby integrating your being, your will) allows you to wake up out of this powerlessness and become the captain of the ship of your own life. Once you do this kind of solve work on your unconscious, then the well-known methods of visualization, affirmation, spell-casting, and so forth, work quite beautifully, and with far less frustration.[Spell-casting? I thought you had a PhD.] [Still, what she proposes is not too far out there. Becoming aware of being codependent or enjoying feeling helpless and needy, and these things are keeping us in patterns of self-destructive behavior, is sound advice. Maybe she has a novel approach.]
From The Sexual Process of Magic, in Lesson 1: Existential Kink is a potent form of magic (also known as: “psychological integration”) in which the receptive feminine—the unconscious, the disowned and denied, the soul—becomes pregnant with the perfection-vision of our spirit—the masculine, projective part of our being, and eventually gives birth to positive synchronous manifestations in our lives.[You went to school to learn this stuff?]
This is actually the esoteric meaning of the Immaculate Conception. The Virgin Mary becomes pregnant with the total approval spirit energy of God—she lets its energy flow all the way down through her, to her instinctual animal self and genitals. When she does that, she conceives and later gives birth to Jesus Christ, who is a symbol of the Anima Mundi, the World Soul, aka the Self.[Did you take lessons from Jordan Peterson? This is a bunch of smart-sounding words strung together to make us think you have a profound point to make.]
Most of the book reads like this. I get it. We subconsciously create misery because we secretly desire it, so please don’t waste my time with talk of spell-casting and the receptive feminine as the unconscious and the disowned and whatever new-age gobbledygook you’re trying to sell me. What is this method? I skipped to the third lesson. The section headings are the EK Method in a nutshell:
1) Get yourself into a relaxed state.
2) Create a container for yourself by lighting a candle and some incense, and setting a timer for 15 minutes.
3) Identify a situation in your life that your conscious mind, your ego, does not like.
4) Identify exactly what feelings and emotions you associate with this situation.
5) Gently allow yourself to get in touch with the part of yourself that actually, passionately enjoys the feelings and emotions associated with your “don't like” situation.
That part of you has been silent up to now because your conscious mind has been shaming the enjoyment of the “bad” things in life, like scarcity, rejection, and self-hatred. So you need to carefully coax it out. Experiment with playfully saying the following EK statements to yourself: “I'm willing to stop pretending I don't enjoy XYZ tremendously.” or “I'm willing to allow myself to know about my secret, weird pleasure in XYZ.” or “It's okay for me to feel my forbidden, wicked enjoyment of XYZ without having to judge it negatively or disown it.”
6) Get on the side of your shadow (your previously unconscious sense of desire/curiosity/enjoyment) and deliberately, consciously, humbly allow yourself to receive, feel big gratitude for, and get off on the situation your unconscious so brilliantly created.
This is the alchemy, the moment of transmutation. So decide that for just fifteen minutes you're going to humble yourself, set aside all your negative judgment, you're going to set aside your shaming and your egoic thoughts of: “I don't like this,” “I don't want this to be this way,” “I want this to end,” “this sucks” and instead you're going to savor and get off on your unconscious creation.
You can experiment with more EK statements like: “This unconscious enjoyment matters just as much as any other enjoyment in my life.”
“My enjoyment of this fucked-up stuff is just as worthwhile and important as my enjoyment of sunshine and roses.”
“I honor this desire. I respect it. I'm allowed to enjoy this as exactly much as I do.”
“I embrace and receive these sensations.”
“I'm willing to feel the depth of my love for this.”
“I open up to feeling wild, insane gratitude and excitement about these sensations and this situation.”[So her method is to sit in a room, light a candle, and start telling yourself that you enjoy your shitty life—that you yourself have created it—“it’s mine and I will accept that I have manifested it because I want to be here and I enjoy it.”] [I have heard this line of reasoning before, in movies like “What the Bleep Do We Know,” which asserts that reality is contained in our minds, therefore our own thoughts create reality around us, therefore if we want to change our lives we need only change our thoughts. There is truth to that—our own thoughts can keep us in bad patterns of behavior—but manifestation dogma falls apart as soon as other people exist in the world.] [At some point, other people must be held accountable for shitty behavior and you should not and cannot blame yourself for their actions.] [The author writes in the prologue that Persephone created someone to rape her because, as a goddess, she subconsciously wanted to feel what it was like not to be in control of her life, so you should justify your suffering likewise. Don’t hold other people accountable for their shitty behavior—it’s all your fault! You created them to hurt you because that’s what you secretly get off to, so just accept it! That’s it. That’s the EK Method. Sit in a corner and convince yourself you are miserable because you want to be, and that will set you free, and now all sorts of wonderful life-changing opportunities will present themselves and... yeah read the testimonials of personal transformation. They’re not all that inspiring or “transformational.”] [I suppose if this book helps a few people recognize patterns of self-destructive behavior, that’s a good thing, but the implication that one should justify abuse as one’s own fault is just shit.]
April 5, 2020
The part that Carolyn was giving out for free is the best part of this book. She lost me when her Jungian ideas started getting mixed with pop Buddhist stuff and references to people like Katy Baron. I mean, Jung is one thing, but mass market spirituality people? Excuse me.
Another thing that got me dispirited were the “success stories.” I didn’t read all of them because I got too depressed from reading just a couple. They were mostly about people pretty much giving up on themselves and calling it “getting off on their shadow part.”
So yeah. I don’t know. There are some interesting ideas, but it all seems pretty messy and not worked through properly. Using academic language, I would say, interesting thesis, but work on your evidence and argument development.
Another thing that got me dispirited were the “success stories.” I didn’t read all of them because I got too depressed from reading just a couple. They were mostly about people pretty much giving up on themselves and calling it “getting off on their shadow part.”
So yeah. I don’t know. There are some interesting ideas, but it all seems pretty messy and not worked through properly. Using academic language, I would say, interesting thesis, but work on your evidence and argument development.
April 30, 2022
Pseudo-scientific, pseudo-religious, victim shaming garbage!
I picked this book up because I find that a lot of self-help is too positive and upbeat. And to paraphrase an old saying, good idea, wrong species. So I was curious about a different perspective, and the short blurb and the very good title reeled me in.
Big mistake!
Elliott, a PhD who quit science because it didn't recognize magic (her words), but with no qualms about using that PhD (in Critical and Cultural Studies) to sell a universal solution to tormented and abused people. At best - and that's being generous - her solution is a coping mechanism (we're not all sunshine and rainbows and can, after all, trick ourselves into all kinds of things). At worst, and I'd say more likely, it's a continuous re-victimization of already abused people.
The philosophy is, in a nutshell, that you get what you want.
If you're poor, it's because you secretly love the stress of not having enough food on the table or the money to pay the rent;
If you're in an abusive relationship, it's because you secretly love being abused (emotionally and/or physically);
If you're just not achieving the things (anything and everything) you want in life, it's because you secretly don't want to for some reason.
She goes on to say that it isn't your fault, because you haven't made peace with your shadow.
You haven't admitted what a kinky little freak you are; how much you secretly love, love, love (again, her words) the abuse and struggles you're getting.
Once you do so, it'll be alright.
Follow your handy guide, provided by Elliott, and you'll be rich and happy "fast."
So yeah, Elliott has managed to frame a "problem" - with symptoms, some of which 99% of people alive can relate to - so it includes everybody to some degree. Conveniently, she has the solution for you.
I am all for exploring and working with your shadow (Jung) and hey, a little kink is a-ok as well. But that's not really what this is.
Elliott is one in a long line of people who come from various kinds of abuse, who found something that worked for her, and who now think that it's applicable for everyone.
She's one in a long line of people who found salvation (of sorts) at the bottom of a bottle (of sorts).
She is one in a long line of people who, having hit rock bottom, found a way to cope with her issues.
And, like so many before her, she then decided to monetize that solution.
Whether or not this solution is good or bad she pays little attention to, it is THE solution.
Everyone who's not in the know, critics and scientists of various kinds, they just don't understand.
They don't understand, of course, because they don't know the truth.
The solution is a cobbled-together misunderstanding of religions, psychology, sexual preferences, economics, astrology, and magic...
To Elliott, we are all kinky freaks.
How does she know?
Well, duh(!), because if we weren't, we wouldn't have chosen to incarnate in this existence (yup, you guessed it, still her words).
Now, go buy her book!
I picked this book up because I find that a lot of self-help is too positive and upbeat. And to paraphrase an old saying, good idea, wrong species. So I was curious about a different perspective, and the short blurb and the very good title reeled me in.
Big mistake!
Elliott, a PhD who quit science because it didn't recognize magic (her words), but with no qualms about using that PhD (in Critical and Cultural Studies) to sell a universal solution to tormented and abused people. At best - and that's being generous - her solution is a coping mechanism (we're not all sunshine and rainbows and can, after all, trick ourselves into all kinds of things). At worst, and I'd say more likely, it's a continuous re-victimization of already abused people.
The philosophy is, in a nutshell, that you get what you want.
If you're poor, it's because you secretly love the stress of not having enough food on the table or the money to pay the rent;
If you're in an abusive relationship, it's because you secretly love being abused (emotionally and/or physically);
If you're just not achieving the things (anything and everything) you want in life, it's because you secretly don't want to for some reason.
She goes on to say that it isn't your fault, because you haven't made peace with your shadow.
You haven't admitted what a kinky little freak you are; how much you secretly love, love, love (again, her words) the abuse and struggles you're getting.
Once you do so, it'll be alright.
Follow your handy guide, provided by Elliott, and you'll be rich and happy "fast."
So yeah, Elliott has managed to frame a "problem" - with symptoms, some of which 99% of people alive can relate to - so it includes everybody to some degree. Conveniently, she has the solution for you.
I am all for exploring and working with your shadow (Jung) and hey, a little kink is a-ok as well. But that's not really what this is.
Elliott is one in a long line of people who come from various kinds of abuse, who found something that worked for her, and who now think that it's applicable for everyone.
She's one in a long line of people who found salvation (of sorts) at the bottom of a bottle (of sorts).
She is one in a long line of people who, having hit rock bottom, found a way to cope with her issues.
And, like so many before her, she then decided to monetize that solution.
Whether or not this solution is good or bad she pays little attention to, it is THE solution.
Everyone who's not in the know, critics and scientists of various kinds, they just don't understand.
They don't understand, of course, because they don't know the truth.
The solution is a cobbled-together misunderstanding of religions, psychology, sexual preferences, economics, astrology, and magic...
To Elliott, we are all kinky freaks.
How does she know?
Well, duh(!), because if we weren't, we wouldn't have chosen to incarnate in this existence (yup, you guessed it, still her words).
Now, go buy her book!
March 2, 2020
I read a lot of self development books, and as such my standards have gone up while my expectations have gone down... because let’s face it, at some point they all start to sound the same...
Well, not this book. This book is outstanding in every sense of the word.
It’s juicy, it’s fun, it’s sensational, profound, funny, invigorating and inspiring. It’s all the things. It’s like crack for the soul.
What I love is that it approaches personal development from a totally new angle that’s grounded and effective.. rather than trying to push away (or rise above) what is bad, ugly, scary, etc, we are being asked to embrace those things in such a way as to move through our ‘struggles’ quickly and powerfully.. it’s genius, really.
This book has already shifted things in my life and I feel like it has had a more immediate and profound impact than all the other self help books put together.
Well, not this book. This book is outstanding in every sense of the word.
It’s juicy, it’s fun, it’s sensational, profound, funny, invigorating and inspiring. It’s all the things. It’s like crack for the soul.
What I love is that it approaches personal development from a totally new angle that’s grounded and effective.. rather than trying to push away (or rise above) what is bad, ugly, scary, etc, we are being asked to embrace those things in such a way as to move through our ‘struggles’ quickly and powerfully.. it’s genius, really.
This book has already shifted things in my life and I feel like it has had a more immediate and profound impact than all the other self help books put together.
May 18, 2021
As a retired behavioral therapist, this is the best explanation of "secondary gains" I've read in 20 years of practice. This book is both deep and accessible, with philosophical, psychological and behaviorist backing as well as humor and practical skills. It's not about BDSM, but rather "kink" in the broadest definition: what we unconsciously "get off on" thereby keeping old patterns of behavior alive and functional, even though we don't want them anymore. It's about bringing those patterns into conscious awareness and using the tools to change out thoughts and behaviors toward the life we actually want to be living, what the author calls "being magic" rather than using magical thinking.
"We habitually think that we're our personalities, our bodies, our histories, our thoughts, our feelings, but all of that is just content and it will all dissolve when we die. Ultimately, what we all are is the context in which our lives happen."
"We habitually think that we're our personalities, our bodies, our histories, our thoughts, our feelings, but all of that is just content and it will all dissolve when we die. Ultimately, what we all are is the context in which our lives happen."
March 1, 2020
Carolyn Elliott is one of my greatest teachers; since I encountered her work nearly two years ago, her practice of Existential Kink has massively upleveled the way I perceive the world, integrate my shadow, and live my life.
This book is a rock-solid overview of the practice, replete with helpful stories of people using it in practice, and a Q&A that answers most of the big questions I had as I was first learning to use it. The best part? It’s all written in Carolyn’s smart humor, as if she’s talking to you coolly over iced tea.
This work has made me “bigger” - it has facilitated the return of pieces of me I didn’t know existed ... and it has done it through *pleasure* instead of weaksauce “acceptance”. It has made the whole process of awakening vastly more magical, exciting, and alive (instead of what it used to feel like: scary, confusing, and full of overwhelming shame battles.)
In short: I owe a giant THANK YOU to Carolyn for this practice and this book.
This book is a rock-solid overview of the practice, replete with helpful stories of people using it in practice, and a Q&A that answers most of the big questions I had as I was first learning to use it. The best part? It’s all written in Carolyn’s smart humor, as if she’s talking to you coolly over iced tea.
This work has made me “bigger” - it has facilitated the return of pieces of me I didn’t know existed ... and it has done it through *pleasure* instead of weaksauce “acceptance”. It has made the whole process of awakening vastly more magical, exciting, and alive (instead of what it used to feel like: scary, confusing, and full of overwhelming shame battles.)
In short: I owe a giant THANK YOU to Carolyn for this practice and this book.
May 8, 2020
A bizarre yet useful (for a very narrow audience) concept, shrouded in unhelpful spiritual language. I'd like to see the same core idea covered in a more direct way, with stronger evidence to back up the claims.
This book was firmly outside my comfort zone, and the spiritual language was unsurprisingly off-putting to me. However, the idea buried in the midst of the cosmic fluff is pretty fascinating. I'm sure there's some overlap with the ideas in the book "Antifragile."
If you'd like to spare yourself the trouble of buying and reading the book, here's my synopsis:
The author proposes that many of the painful circumstances adults find themselves in are self-caused, to some degree. Because we're autonomous, free people, this implies we've somehow intentionally created sources of pain, despite wanting better for ourselves. Perhaps, the author suggests, there's a suppressed part of us that actually does want the drama of suffering. Her suggestion is to let ourselves fully enjoy the masochistic thrill of being miserable, as a way to regain a sense of agency over the situation and ultimately change it for the better.
Obviously this is not going to be most people's cup of tea. I'm sure one would need a healthy imagination, a sense of humor, and some level of familiarity with BDSM for this idea to connect, but if you're able to entertain an idea without necessarily agreeing with it, and you want to explore something outside your comfort zone, maybe give Existential Kink a try.
This book was firmly outside my comfort zone, and the spiritual language was unsurprisingly off-putting to me. However, the idea buried in the midst of the cosmic fluff is pretty fascinating. I'm sure there's some overlap with the ideas in the book "Antifragile."
If you'd like to spare yourself the trouble of buying and reading the book, here's my synopsis:
The author proposes that many of the painful circumstances adults find themselves in are self-caused, to some degree. Because we're autonomous, free people, this implies we've somehow intentionally created sources of pain, despite wanting better for ourselves. Perhaps, the author suggests, there's a suppressed part of us that actually does want the drama of suffering. Her suggestion is to let ourselves fully enjoy the masochistic thrill of being miserable, as a way to regain a sense of agency over the situation and ultimately change it for the better.
Obviously this is not going to be most people's cup of tea. I'm sure one would need a healthy imagination, a sense of humor, and some level of familiarity with BDSM for this idea to connect, but if you're able to entertain an idea without necessarily agreeing with it, and you want to explore something outside your comfort zone, maybe give Existential Kink a try.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 14, 2020
love the idea of EK, didn't love the execution of the book. a bit wooey for me, didnt connect with the writing style.
September 27, 2022
Absolutely fucking terrible. I was shocked to see this was published by Weiser, as I’d assume an occult publisher would have editors who could address the staggering errors in the author’s attempts to draw from western occult traditions. But apparently not, because the depth and breadth of the flaws were genuinely alarming.
But hey, if you’re dying for some new age, self help nonsense that’s basically the Law of Attraction rebranded for those who are ~not like other girls~, give this a go. The author is just soooooooo twee, with all her cutesy spellings and tee-hee discussion of sexual pleasure. Feel free to skim the first third of the book, as the interminable intro is trying to market to you the book you’re already reading. It’s like someone took a promotional teaser piece and slapped it in and called it the first section of the book.
At first I enjoyed reading this because it was so bad that it was a genuine (and not suppressed) pleasure to rip its nonsense apart to my partner, but then I just got bored with how terrible it was. The author takes her personal religious beliefs and cosmology and states it as Absolute Truth and the Foundation Upon Which We Must Build All Else and just…go fuck yourself, lady. Bunk theology, bunk occultism, a downright pedestrian interpretation of magic, alchemy, and the Great Work, and bad writing, seasoned with a hearty dose of victim blaming and repeated claims that if you don’t like her worldview, it’s because you’re either doing it wrong or simply not on her ~evolved~ level. Even if I liked her ideas, I would be so disappointed to see an author try to insulate themselves from critique by preemptively declaring that anyone who doesn’t like or benefit from their ideas is simply wrong. Who does that? It reeks of cult-leader bullshit.
The only reason I’d recommend this book is if you absolutely love ranting about stuff that’s so offensively bad it nearly makes your head cave in. In that case, let me know when you’re done and I’ll pull up my Kindle highlights and we can go to town.
But hey, if you’re dying for some new age, self help nonsense that’s basically the Law of Attraction rebranded for those who are ~not like other girls~, give this a go. The author is just soooooooo twee, with all her cutesy spellings and tee-hee discussion of sexual pleasure. Feel free to skim the first third of the book, as the interminable intro is trying to market to you the book you’re already reading. It’s like someone took a promotional teaser piece and slapped it in and called it the first section of the book.
At first I enjoyed reading this because it was so bad that it was a genuine (and not suppressed) pleasure to rip its nonsense apart to my partner, but then I just got bored with how terrible it was. The author takes her personal religious beliefs and cosmology and states it as Absolute Truth and the Foundation Upon Which We Must Build All Else and just…go fuck yourself, lady. Bunk theology, bunk occultism, a downright pedestrian interpretation of magic, alchemy, and the Great Work, and bad writing, seasoned with a hearty dose of victim blaming and repeated claims that if you don’t like her worldview, it’s because you’re either doing it wrong or simply not on her ~evolved~ level. Even if I liked her ideas, I would be so disappointed to see an author try to insulate themselves from critique by preemptively declaring that anyone who doesn’t like or benefit from their ideas is simply wrong. Who does that? It reeks of cult-leader bullshit.
The only reason I’d recommend this book is if you absolutely love ranting about stuff that’s so offensively bad it nearly makes your head cave in. In that case, let me know when you’re done and I’ll pull up my Kindle highlights and we can go to town.
March 25, 2022
I think this may be a somewhat misunderstood book. I think this may be a lifechanging book. I haven't been this excited about a book since IFS (2019) and Schnarch's Passionate Marriage (2016). Passionate Marriage, sadly, did not magically erase my inner conflicts (though it did crack open some major areas). IFS did a very decent job of healing a lot of things. Will this be a major lifechange as well?
Usually I want to talk all about a book that excites me this much. This time it feels different. (Maybe because of things I've worked through with IFS haha.) I feel cautious, private. (And yet this is a public review. I mean discussing it with friends.) I want to practice it constantly, throughout the day. I want to throw all emotional things that arise at this technique and see if it works. But I feel surprisingly reticent about discussing it with my buddies.
I'll start by saying I personally don't care about any of the magic, tantric, Buddhist, spiritual, religious, woo stuff that she talks about. I understand that framework and I know some people love that. Good for them. I did not dwell on those parts. If that's your bag, you'll be even happier.
Next, I will say that it's possible that many people are focusing on the erotic and sensational aspects of this book (I mean it has the word "kink" in the title and it definitely can have a sexual element). But to me that is not the magic of this book. (I mean "lifechanging" when I say "magical.")
The deep psychological shift she asks us to make is profound.
I think there is a strong possibility I wouldn't have understood this book the way I did without having very recently finished Different Loving by Gloria Brame. The way it talks about kink and made me think about kink, about pleasure and pain and sensation and consent and the wide gamut of emotional/psychological (as well as physical) kinks that humans find exciting and arousing--specifically aggression, sadism, masochism, humiliation, edemas, and spanking, peeing in diapers, urinating on people and being urinated on, and the psychology of very serious corsets--gave me the mental space to expand into what this book suggests. (Although her theory of God is not my personal theology, it was rather intriguing to "try on" and it's definitely creative.)
I made a list of 10-15 conflicts/annoyances/dissatisfactions that come up regularly for me these days and I'm trying it out now to see how it does. I'm trying it on my insomnia (remarkably resistant to medication and therapy so far), on my tendency towards diabetes, and cold sores. (<--even though these may not seem to be subject to the theory. But I'm suspending disbelief and for now assuming EVERYTHING is worth a try under: "What your unconscious wants, it gets.""Having is evidence of wanting.") On my arguments with my spouse, on my PMS irritability, on a conflict I frequently have with one of my children, on when I feel sulky, rejected, need approval, angry. My fears and insecurities and emotional blocks.
When I started the book, I thought I already had a pretty good relationship with my Shadow Self. Via IFS I felt a lot of love for "darker" impulses and viewed them as protective. I also was familiar with the idea that fear/anxiety and anticipation/arousal are physiologically very similar. So I thought, what is this book going to teach me.
I was wrong.
This is not about giving those Parts a hug. This is not about trying to trace them face them and erase them.
This is more radical than Radical Acceptance.
"I invite you to consider the idea that any current situations in your life, especially those situations that tend to recur over and over again in an annoying pattern..[[[are the result of your already-always-happening accidental magic, and as such]]] they represent a beautiful fulfillment of a deep desire in your unconscious."
[notice how I bracketed the "woo"--I kind of blip over that]
She explains that a big piece of what makes kink pleasurable vs horrible is that it's entered into consensually. Well how would that work for the things you hate in your life? I'm not consenting to them!
Well, what if I am. What if I lean into the secret, kinky, shameful desire for scarcity, drama, sadness, disapproval, poverty, etc etc etc. What if I believe I actually *do* desire those things and learn to revel in them when I experience them. What will happen.
WELL that's intriguing.
I cannot describe to you how fascinating it is (and how private it feels) to explore my inner world in this framework. To take the famous psychological concepts of reaction-formation and Shadow parts and merge them with the notion of kink--the idea that humans liked some seriously fucked up shit. What if you just assume that if this pain is happening to you, your kinky unconscious can deeply enjoy this on some level? Discover the enjoyment. Lean into it. It's shocking. It's freeing. It's deeply enlightening. It's honest. And it completely changes your relationship with it.
"the desire to feel rejected, the desire to feel not good enough, the desire to feel offended." "the exquisite impulse to feel the fun of tension, conflict, uncertainty"
“I'm willing to stop pretending I don't enjoy XYZ tremendously.” or “I'm willing to allow myself to know about my secret, weird pleasure in XYZ.”
There are nuances, which the book discusses. There are specific tactics and techniques and meditations and activities, which the book discusses. There is the woo framework (that I blipped over) that the book discusses. There are personal stories, which I like a LOT.
I found it very helpful to think about how humans crave to experience the full gamut and range of human emotions--not just the "good" ones.
I'll be frank: the Deep Fear Inventory is too advanced for me at this time. It's going to take all my energy to see if my regular feelings can shift with the alchemy of existential kink. I'm not quite ready to work on success and power just yet. Maybe if I look back on this book in a couple of years. It will be interesting to see what I've been able to successfully integrate. In the meantime, the premise of this book is fascinating and seems to have shockingly profound potential.
Usually I want to talk all about a book that excites me this much. This time it feels different. (Maybe because of things I've worked through with IFS haha.) I feel cautious, private. (And yet this is a public review. I mean discussing it with friends.) I want to practice it constantly, throughout the day. I want to throw all emotional things that arise at this technique and see if it works. But I feel surprisingly reticent about discussing it with my buddies.
I'll start by saying I personally don't care about any of the magic, tantric, Buddhist, spiritual, religious, woo stuff that she talks about. I understand that framework and I know some people love that. Good for them. I did not dwell on those parts. If that's your bag, you'll be even happier.
Next, I will say that it's possible that many people are focusing on the erotic and sensational aspects of this book (I mean it has the word "kink" in the title and it definitely can have a sexual element). But to me that is not the magic of this book. (I mean "lifechanging" when I say "magical.")
The deep psychological shift she asks us to make is profound.
I think there is a strong possibility I wouldn't have understood this book the way I did without having very recently finished Different Loving by Gloria Brame. The way it talks about kink and made me think about kink, about pleasure and pain and sensation and consent and the wide gamut of emotional/psychological (as well as physical) kinks that humans find exciting and arousing--specifically aggression, sadism, masochism, humiliation, edemas, and spanking, peeing in diapers, urinating on people and being urinated on, and the psychology of very serious corsets--gave me the mental space to expand into what this book suggests. (Although her theory of God is not my personal theology, it was rather intriguing to "try on" and it's definitely creative.)
I made a list of 10-15 conflicts/annoyances/dissatisfactions that come up regularly for me these days and I'm trying it out now to see how it does. I'm trying it on my insomnia (remarkably resistant to medication and therapy so far), on my tendency towards diabetes, and cold sores. (<--even though these may not seem to be subject to the theory. But I'm suspending disbelief and for now assuming EVERYTHING is worth a try under: "What your unconscious wants, it gets.""Having is evidence of wanting.") On my arguments with my spouse, on my PMS irritability, on a conflict I frequently have with one of my children, on when I feel sulky, rejected, need approval, angry. My fears and insecurities and emotional blocks.
When I started the book, I thought I already had a pretty good relationship with my Shadow Self. Via IFS I felt a lot of love for "darker" impulses and viewed them as protective. I also was familiar with the idea that fear/anxiety and anticipation/arousal are physiologically very similar. So I thought, what is this book going to teach me.
I was wrong.
This is not about giving those Parts a hug. This is not about trying to trace them face them and erase them.
This is more radical than Radical Acceptance.
"I invite you to consider the idea that any current situations in your life, especially those situations that tend to recur over and over again in an annoying pattern..[[[are the result of your already-always-happening accidental magic, and as such]]] they represent a beautiful fulfillment of a deep desire in your unconscious."
[notice how I bracketed the "woo"--I kind of blip over that]
She explains that a big piece of what makes kink pleasurable vs horrible is that it's entered into consensually. Well how would that work for the things you hate in your life? I'm not consenting to them!
Well, what if I am. What if I lean into the secret, kinky, shameful desire for scarcity, drama, sadness, disapproval, poverty, etc etc etc. What if I believe I actually *do* desire those things and learn to revel in them when I experience them. What will happen.
WELL that's intriguing.
I cannot describe to you how fascinating it is (and how private it feels) to explore my inner world in this framework. To take the famous psychological concepts of reaction-formation and Shadow parts and merge them with the notion of kink--the idea that humans liked some seriously fucked up shit. What if you just assume that if this pain is happening to you, your kinky unconscious can deeply enjoy this on some level? Discover the enjoyment. Lean into it. It's shocking. It's freeing. It's deeply enlightening. It's honest. And it completely changes your relationship with it.
"the desire to feel rejected, the desire to feel not good enough, the desire to feel offended." "the exquisite impulse to feel the fun of tension, conflict, uncertainty"
“I'm willing to stop pretending I don't enjoy XYZ tremendously.” or “I'm willing to allow myself to know about my secret, weird pleasure in XYZ.”
There are nuances, which the book discusses. There are specific tactics and techniques and meditations and activities, which the book discusses. There is the woo framework (that I blipped over) that the book discusses. There are personal stories, which I like a LOT.
I found it very helpful to think about how humans crave to experience the full gamut and range of human emotions--not just the "good" ones.
I'll be frank: the Deep Fear Inventory is too advanced for me at this time. It's going to take all my energy to see if my regular feelings can shift with the alchemy of existential kink. I'm not quite ready to work on success and power just yet. Maybe if I look back on this book in a couple of years. It will be interesting to see what I've been able to successfully integrate. In the meantime, the premise of this book is fascinating and seems to have shockingly profound potential.
April 12, 2021
This is a terribly written book about a very interesting topic, with a variety of fascinating and useful ideas mixed into the morass that I am very glad to have. In the symbolic sense, there is magic indeed contained in these pages, because there are ideas here that can help a person become unstuck from mental blockages and re-figure themself and their struggles in very helpful ways. That's powerful, and I am glad to have read the book for the bucket full of gems I can now sift through and study long term. That said, I found myself wanting to edit this book heavily myself, to create the good book it could have been out of the mess it is. My ax would have fallen particularly heavily on the woo, sales pitches, testimonials, and all references to getting rich quick - because to me, all that stuff read as is insecurity and defensiveness on her part. "no really though!!!! This really works. You gotta believe me." Listen, dear author, I bought your book. You don't have to sell me on it. Just give me the goods, ok? I also would have encouraged the writer to pen a self help memoir as opposed to a pure self help book, to dig into her lived experience putting this all into practice, letting the reader decide for themself how valuable this practice might be to them, and how success might manifest in their life if they try it. Show, don't tell.
Now, as far as how to dig the very real gems out of this book, my suggestion is to follow the author's advice at the beginning of Lesson 2. She explicitly states that she is giving the reader a set of axioms, and acknowledges that she cannot prove them to be true. She invites the reader to have an open mind, to ponder these ideas as if they are true and see where that gets us. Taking this approach, I was able to entertain the ideas for my own enrichment and benefit, while simply rolling my eyes and shaking my head at all the ridiculous assertions she makes about their impact.
I don't need to get rich quick or find my perfect soul mate to have a good life or to be peaceful, after all. What I need to do is to heal. To do that, I must find and accept what I have disavowed about myself, and face how those wily bits of me are harming me and potentially others in my life, as my mind seeks to heal what was broken by trauma by bringing me again and again into the same conflicts and awful feeling states. This inward looking is an intensely painful process for many trauma survivors - as what is disavowed is incredibly dark shit through no fault of their own. Figuring even intense pain as "sensation", carving out personal responsibility and agency as an antidote to the paralysis and toxic attachment of victimhood, and finding the humor and satisfaction in all of one's feelings is a set of approaches that I haven't seen discussed in combination elsewhere in much depth, so a book length work on it was very welcome, despite how problematically written it is. As a kinky, highly sexual person myself, the particular arousal-based spin here was also novel and in line with some conclusions I myself have drawn independently from my experiences with physical pain in a BDSM context. That part won't work for everyone, but it certainly was very valuable to me, immediately allowing me to do some shadow work about a topic that has been irritating me lately in a way that was much more effective, nourishing, and satisfying than previous attempts. I literally divested of a ton of anxiety in about 20 minutes. Sweet!
Now, the author says you should not do her practices if you are depressed, or to work on childhood trauma. While I would agree that you need to have already developed strong emotional literacy in order to do EK work safely (see Richard Grannon's free Mental Health Fortress System on Youtube), I think the ideas in this book is of potentially great value to folks who have experienced severe trauma, and can be part of a recovery journey if care is taken and groundwork laid - but just like the author, I am not a trained professional so your mileage may vary. Get ye to the therapist's office if you are prone to rumination!
Also, final note here - if you are triggered by discussion of a survivor's responsibility to care for themself and see to the quality of their own life after experiencing abuse, and see that as victim-blaming, then steer the heck clear from this book. You will be angry and hurt reading this. I find the personal responsibility mindset healing and empowering - but still, I had a big annoyed sigh at two statements she makes in the book about souls choosing to manifest into abusive situations in order to have intense experiences and play a role in healing collective suffering. That might work for this author as a way of figuring her own abuse, and would have been fine to talk about in a memoir, but in a self help book, it goes too far and could easily cause harm. No one needs to find purpose in their abuse. Abuse is senseless and horrible. It can be reframed in motivating ways, but ultimately, it's like a natural disaster - outside the individual's locus on control. Personally, I think it's extra kinky to be able to surrender to that painful idea, and accept that life really sucks sometimes for no reason at all.
Overall, 3 stars because this book has been very helpful to me already, but also, seriously, this book is a mess. Approach with a big old salt shaker, and a heaping dose of patience.
Now, as far as how to dig the very real gems out of this book, my suggestion is to follow the author's advice at the beginning of Lesson 2. She explicitly states that she is giving the reader a set of axioms, and acknowledges that she cannot prove them to be true. She invites the reader to have an open mind, to ponder these ideas as if they are true and see where that gets us. Taking this approach, I was able to entertain the ideas for my own enrichment and benefit, while simply rolling my eyes and shaking my head at all the ridiculous assertions she makes about their impact.
I don't need to get rich quick or find my perfect soul mate to have a good life or to be peaceful, after all. What I need to do is to heal. To do that, I must find and accept what I have disavowed about myself, and face how those wily bits of me are harming me and potentially others in my life, as my mind seeks to heal what was broken by trauma by bringing me again and again into the same conflicts and awful feeling states. This inward looking is an intensely painful process for many trauma survivors - as what is disavowed is incredibly dark shit through no fault of their own. Figuring even intense pain as "sensation", carving out personal responsibility and agency as an antidote to the paralysis and toxic attachment of victimhood, and finding the humor and satisfaction in all of one's feelings is a set of approaches that I haven't seen discussed in combination elsewhere in much depth, so a book length work on it was very welcome, despite how problematically written it is. As a kinky, highly sexual person myself, the particular arousal-based spin here was also novel and in line with some conclusions I myself have drawn independently from my experiences with physical pain in a BDSM context. That part won't work for everyone, but it certainly was very valuable to me, immediately allowing me to do some shadow work about a topic that has been irritating me lately in a way that was much more effective, nourishing, and satisfying than previous attempts. I literally divested of a ton of anxiety in about 20 minutes. Sweet!
Now, the author says you should not do her practices if you are depressed, or to work on childhood trauma. While I would agree that you need to have already developed strong emotional literacy in order to do EK work safely (see Richard Grannon's free Mental Health Fortress System on Youtube), I think the ideas in this book is of potentially great value to folks who have experienced severe trauma, and can be part of a recovery journey if care is taken and groundwork laid - but just like the author, I am not a trained professional so your mileage may vary. Get ye to the therapist's office if you are prone to rumination!
Also, final note here - if you are triggered by discussion of a survivor's responsibility to care for themself and see to the quality of their own life after experiencing abuse, and see that as victim-blaming, then steer the heck clear from this book. You will be angry and hurt reading this. I find the personal responsibility mindset healing and empowering - but still, I had a big annoyed sigh at two statements she makes in the book about souls choosing to manifest into abusive situations in order to have intense experiences and play a role in healing collective suffering. That might work for this author as a way of figuring her own abuse, and would have been fine to talk about in a memoir, but in a self help book, it goes too far and could easily cause harm. No one needs to find purpose in their abuse. Abuse is senseless and horrible. It can be reframed in motivating ways, but ultimately, it's like a natural disaster - outside the individual's locus on control. Personally, I think it's extra kinky to be able to surrender to that painful idea, and accept that life really sucks sometimes for no reason at all.
Overall, 3 stars because this book has been very helpful to me already, but also, seriously, this book is a mess. Approach with a big old salt shaker, and a heaping dose of patience.
March 15, 2021
At the onset, let me clarify that I am not a reader of self-help books. In fact - with a few exceptions - it is probably my least favourite genre. I picked up this book because I was intrigued by the blurb, but the book failed to capture my interest.
*
While Carolyn Elliott has some good points to make about owning our failures and breaking self-imposed shackles of guilt, she destroys it by a lot of victim-blaming. Her entire premise for the book can be summed up in this one paragraph from the book itself:
Through this book Elliott contends that whatever happens to us - good or bad, but especially the bad - happens because unconsciously that's what we want. While this may have some weight as an argument when we talk about certain toxic patterns in our life that we find hard to break, like an addiction we can't get rid off or a pattern of choosing abusive partners, it loses merit fast if applied to ALL situations in life, like the author tries to do in this book. It gets even worse when she tries to justify it. For instance, when faced with the minor obstacle of 'justifying' child abuse or children living in war-torn regions, she states this:
If you got confused by that cyclical speech (as I did multiple times while reading the book), let me put it in plainer words - she is saying that children who are abused come into the world seeking to be abused. This was on page 42 of a 200 page book.
At this point you might be wondering why I didn't just throw the book against a wall, and scream into a pillow. You see I was invested - invested to see how much weirder this book can get. As it turns out, very .
It gets especially weird when she uses sex as a metaphor for the entire book. If you think Fifty Shades of Gray misrepresents BDSM, you will be livid by the author's presumption that all humans are in someway or other masochistic and sadistic beings, indulging in self-flagellation to 'get off' through painful experiences. In my opinion not only is this deeply disturbing but also offensive to people who go through pain and tragedy in their lives.
Moreover as an Indian I was offended by the liberties taken by the author in referencing (usually incorrectly) to esoteric Hindu or Buddhist rituals and beliefs. Indeed she starts off by talking about Tantric cults, which is a very small subculture in Hinduism, and goes much beyond what this book talks about.
The book is replete with stories of 'transformation' from former clients (read: disciples) who followed the Existential Kink method and managed to turn their life around. Around this point I felt like I was being sold snake oil on late night TV. The author finally ends the book by listing out different exercises and methods to use to start the process of embracing our kink. These were probably the saving grace of the book. Largely influenced by other self help coaches or Buddhism, there may be some value found in putting these exercises into practice in our lives.
All of this being said, this book came with the maximum number of testimonials that I have ever seen for a book! Her method definitely works for some people - or so they believe. If you feel like this might help you turn your life around, please go ahead and read it. But I feel you need to have a certain amount of inborn privilege to be able to read this book, and not get triggered.
Trigger Warning: ALL OF THEM She talks about child abuse, spousal abuse, chronic pain, bankruptcy, and every other misery that plagues humanity.
Thank you Harper Collins for gifting me a copy of this book.
*
While Carolyn Elliott has some good points to make about owning our failures and breaking self-imposed shackles of guilt, she destroys it by a lot of victim-blaming. Her entire premise for the book can be summed up in this one paragraph from the book itself:
Think for a minute how dark entertainment tend to be the ones that people get most excited about. Two of the most popular TV series in the world at the time of me writing this book, for example, are Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead. Both shows feature big piles of violence, grief, pain, and horror. There are also heroines and heroes striving epically against all odds to survive and help others to survive as well. These shows are terrifying and people love them.
So if we humans love dark pain and horror as entertainment sooo much, don't you think it's just a little bit possible that we might unconsciously create painful and horrible situations in our own lives - not because we 'deserve them' or because we're 'losers' and 'failures', but just because we have an attraction to the nail-biting intensity of it?
Through this book Elliott contends that whatever happens to us - good or bad, but especially the bad - happens because unconsciously that's what we want. While this may have some weight as an argument when we talk about certain toxic patterns in our life that we find hard to break, like an addiction we can't get rid off or a pattern of choosing abusive partners, it loses merit fast if applied to ALL situations in life, like the author tries to do in this book. It gets even worse when she tries to justify it. For instance, when faced with the minor obstacle of 'justifying' child abuse or children living in war-torn regions, she states this:
I don't think it's enormously far fetched to imagine that some very brave and generous souls come into this world with the strong personal, unconscious desire to experience extreme hardships in childhood, perhaps for the ultimate purpose of making it conscious and healing it, and in that way, healing the collective.
If you got confused by that cyclical speech (as I did multiple times while reading the book), let me put it in plainer words - she is saying that children who are abused come into the world seeking to be abused. This was on page 42 of a 200 page book.
At this point you might be wondering why I didn't just throw the book against a wall, and scream into a pillow. You see I was invested - invested to see how much weirder this book can get. As it turns out, very .
It gets especially weird when she uses sex as a metaphor for the entire book. If you think Fifty Shades of Gray misrepresents BDSM, you will be livid by the author's presumption that all humans are in someway or other masochistic and sadistic beings, indulging in self-flagellation to 'get off' through painful experiences. In my opinion not only is this deeply disturbing but also offensive to people who go through pain and tragedy in their lives.
Moreover as an Indian I was offended by the liberties taken by the author in referencing (usually incorrectly) to esoteric Hindu or Buddhist rituals and beliefs. Indeed she starts off by talking about Tantric cults, which is a very small subculture in Hinduism, and goes much beyond what this book talks about.
The book is replete with stories of 'transformation' from former clients (read: disciples) who followed the Existential Kink method and managed to turn their life around. Around this point I felt like I was being sold snake oil on late night TV. The author finally ends the book by listing out different exercises and methods to use to start the process of embracing our kink. These were probably the saving grace of the book. Largely influenced by other self help coaches or Buddhism, there may be some value found in putting these exercises into practice in our lives.
All of this being said, this book came with the maximum number of testimonials that I have ever seen for a book! Her method definitely works for some people - or so they believe. If you feel like this might help you turn your life around, please go ahead and read it. But I feel you need to have a certain amount of inborn privilege to be able to read this book, and not get triggered.
Trigger Warning: ALL OF THEM She talks about child abuse, spousal abuse, chronic pain, bankruptcy, and every other misery that plagues humanity.
Thank you Harper Collins for gifting me a copy of this book.
May 30, 2022
If there is a kernel of truth here, it doesn’t generalize nearly as much as the author believes.
Opening with rape apology is already a tough sell—the author interprets the rape of Persephone as her manifesting it from her unconscious desires (eg. “if she’d only learn to consent then she’d enjoy it”)—but the bullet point near the end of Ch1 that made me decide to drop this book was when the author casually implies that the reason why black people feel victimized is because they have an unconscious desire to be.
I’m also quite wary of the author’s insistence that her “EK method” is a reliable path to wealth (one of her examples of unconscious shadow patterns is being “somehow unable to make enough money in a month” and her method can reliably change this in “days, weeks, or months; not years of therapy”—surely societal factors play a role here? She even acknowledges as such in the intro, but only briefly in the intro)
Being generous, I do think there is value in understanding self-sabotage as the product of a part of oneself that needs to be fulfilled. That’s the kernel of truth in this book, and looking at it through the lens of kink is particularly interesting and enlightening even! But other works cover that so much better! See “No Bad Parts” from the creator of internal family systems; see “my voice will go with you” by Milton Erickson. The article that recommended this book to me is also an excellent read; see “I Demand Deep Okayness For Everyone” by Sasha Chapin.
If this method clicks for you, that’s great! But ascribing everything bad that happens to OTHER people as the product of individualistic unconscious desires is the root of extremist right-wing thinking.
Opening with rape apology is already a tough sell—the author interprets the rape of Persephone as her manifesting it from her unconscious desires (eg. “if she’d only learn to consent then she’d enjoy it”)—but the bullet point near the end of Ch1 that made me decide to drop this book was when the author casually implies that the reason why black people feel victimized is because they have an unconscious desire to be.
I’m also quite wary of the author’s insistence that her “EK method” is a reliable path to wealth (one of her examples of unconscious shadow patterns is being “somehow unable to make enough money in a month” and her method can reliably change this in “days, weeks, or months; not years of therapy”—surely societal factors play a role here? She even acknowledges as such in the intro, but only briefly in the intro)
Being generous, I do think there is value in understanding self-sabotage as the product of a part of oneself that needs to be fulfilled. That’s the kernel of truth in this book, and looking at it through the lens of kink is particularly interesting and enlightening even! But other works cover that so much better! See “No Bad Parts” from the creator of internal family systems; see “my voice will go with you” by Milton Erickson. The article that recommended this book to me is also an excellent read; see “I Demand Deep Okayness For Everyone” by Sasha Chapin.
If this method clicks for you, that’s great! But ascribing everything bad that happens to OTHER people as the product of individualistic unconscious desires is the root of extremist right-wing thinking.
May 9, 2020
What can I say? I loved this book. I wasn't even half way through it before I started recommending it to people.
I bought the Kindle edition, and now after finishing it I'd love to get a physical copy of it as well since I love to be able to flip through a physical book when looking back for reference. As it is I will take some time to digest the contents and most likely read it again soon, and I'll definitely be practicing the exercises that she gives.
This is one of those books I want to say: Read it, it just might change your life.
I bought the Kindle edition, and now after finishing it I'd love to get a physical copy of it as well since I love to be able to flip through a physical book when looking back for reference. As it is I will take some time to digest the contents and most likely read it again soon, and I'll definitely be practicing the exercises that she gives.
This is one of those books I want to say: Read it, it just might change your life.
March 15, 2023
It’s like if Jordan Peterson, Sigmund Freud, and Joel Osteen had a baby that loved astrology.
July 10, 2023
Edit: looking through the author’s Instagram, I see heartbreaking comments of people saying things like “I’m realizing this applies to my experience being spanked as a child!”, and “this has been game changing to how I see my child abuse!” Please note, this shit impacts REAL people, who read it and believe they must have LIKED, enjoyed, or taken pleasure from things that happened to them when they were at an age where consent wasn’t possible. Is it possible these folks are experiencing healing? Maybe. Maybe this is also deeply harming and convincing folks that their abuse was actually self inflicted in the name of some subconscious pleasure.
From this book and her Instagram/social media presence (and numerous non-apologies for harms she causes) it is ABUNDANTLY clear that this author lives in the binary. Shadow and light (no twilight or possible gray areas). Woman and man. Masculine and feminine. “I’m right, everyone else is just less connected to their embodied shadow.”
I am enraged by this author’s belief that she could remarket cognitive behavioral therapy (already fairly problematic) into abuse apologism and call it healing. There was one statement early on which noted something to the tune of “of course no individual INVENTED racism or other systems of harm”. She couldn’t say “I am not saying people and children asked for/desire abuse, rape, racism, systems of oppression, etc. in every situation” because THAT IS WHAT SHE IS SAYING. It actually does not matter if she addresses “times where this isn’t true” in the latter half of the book because THE REST OF THE TEXT contradicts that. The FIRST anecdote we get is a (fully unsupported) story about how Persephone actually split herself to become her own rapist because she wanted it. Regardless of intention, these words set a tone which continues through the whole book and IS NOT CHALLENGED.
Are there “helpful nuggets” in here? Sure. Are they worth it for the cost of having to ignore/wade through all of the violent “this worked for me” content? No.
Carolyn- I’m glad your experience of poverty, addiction, and abuse could be kinky for you. That doesn’t give you the right to sell this as a “fast” strategy for healing that you believe will work for “everyone” if we are just willing to face our shadow enough. Be more responsible with your words and stop giving all of us in the helping field a bad name.
From this book and her Instagram/social media presence (and numerous non-apologies for harms she causes) it is ABUNDANTLY clear that this author lives in the binary. Shadow and light (no twilight or possible gray areas). Woman and man. Masculine and feminine. “I’m right, everyone else is just less connected to their embodied shadow.”
I am enraged by this author’s belief that she could remarket cognitive behavioral therapy (already fairly problematic) into abuse apologism and call it healing. There was one statement early on which noted something to the tune of “of course no individual INVENTED racism or other systems of harm”. She couldn’t say “I am not saying people and children asked for/desire abuse, rape, racism, systems of oppression, etc. in every situation” because THAT IS WHAT SHE IS SAYING. It actually does not matter if she addresses “times where this isn’t true” in the latter half of the book because THE REST OF THE TEXT contradicts that. The FIRST anecdote we get is a (fully unsupported) story about how Persephone actually split herself to become her own rapist because she wanted it. Regardless of intention, these words set a tone which continues through the whole book and IS NOT CHALLENGED.
Are there “helpful nuggets” in here? Sure. Are they worth it for the cost of having to ignore/wade through all of the violent “this worked for me” content? No.
Carolyn- I’m glad your experience of poverty, addiction, and abuse could be kinky for you. That doesn’t give you the right to sell this as a “fast” strategy for healing that you believe will work for “everyone” if we are just willing to face our shadow enough. Be more responsible with your words and stop giving all of us in the helping field a bad name.
April 3, 2021
This is one of the worst books I’ve ever read. A complete perversion of psychoanalysis and nothing but victim-blaming from start to finish. Other posts in here have pulled excerpts from the book - go read them and you’ll see what I mean.
November 25, 2021
Oh, this book...
4.5 stars for content. 1 star for poor writing and editing.
First of all, this is a niche book. You'll love Elliott's ideas best if you just happen to be into *all* of the following:
psychology, specifically shadow work and Jung;
Buddhism and Neobuddhism, such as Byron Katie's method The Work;
Neopaganism/Wicca;
conscious eroticism/tantra/conscious kink.
You'll probably be willing to at least explore what Elliott is proposing if you're *at least* familiar with and positive towards Buddhist and Neobuddhist ideas of suffering and believe that there is more than meets the eye, so you're at least *open* to ideas like the law of attraction without refuting them as absolutely impossible.
This book is not for you if you're into psychology and shadow work, but not into anything spiritual. It's also very much not for you if you aren't willing to subscribe to the idea that we are responsible for our own suffering. Elliott will definitely try to change your mind, but I yet have to see the first person set on being a victim who lets themselves be convinced that they're not.
Cool, now that we've gotten that out of the way, what is this book about? Basically, Elliott's premise is that the suffering patterns we invoke on ourselves (please note: she very specifically speaks of repetitive frustrating issues, not of every single thing that may or may not happen in your life) exist because there is a repressed part of ourselves that longs to experience them.
Then, she proceeds to explain how we can stop repressing this part so that it can get its fulfillment and we can align with it, rather than have it control us.
Personally, what I absolutely love about this method, is that it only requires you to accept the premise above and be radically honest with yourself. I've tried this method over the last few weeks on stuff like my relationship, my friendships, my finance - it works beautifully. It didn't magically change everything overnight, but acknowledging that I actually enjoy where I'm at makes me a lot less frustrated.
Personally, I specifically liked lesson 2 and a part of the exercises in lesson 4 (particularly lesson 12 is an absolute favorite, while as far as I'm concerned 6 and 11 could easily be omitted).
And honestly, for this alone, I'd happily give Elliott 4 or even 5 stars (I should add here that I happen to be her exact target audience, loving the workings of our mind and specifically Jung's ideas, having explored neopaganism throughout my teens and twenties, loving teachings by Byron Katie and great minds like Alan Watts, and exploring tantra).
Unfortunately, the writing is a total mess. It starts with lesson 1, which presents the premise and really has quite some decent ideas, but also makes a lot of bold claims that aren't backed by either irrefutable logic or by citations. You could do shots every time you come across one, and you'd be in a coma before you even reach lesson 2. So there's that. (Ironically, lesson 2 gets better, because here Elliott explicitly addresses the fact she can't back up her claims and basically asks you to just give her the benefit of the doubt and see for yourself).
Then, parts of her book are repetitive. I'm not just talking 'repeating ideas already stated', although there's plenty of that, too. I'm talking 'a chunk of lesson 10 is a literal copy of a part of the introduction'. This isn't just Elliott's mess, it also reflects really poorly on the publisher (Weiser Books).
And sometimes, the structure just doesn't make much sense, which is particularly clear in the order of the exercises. Some of them just seem to go nowhere. Hey, exercise 11, surely an exercise should at least include an exercise?
If you can look past this and you're part of her intended audience: this book has a lot to offer. Otherwise, just skip it!
4.5 stars for content. 1 star for poor writing and editing.
First of all, this is a niche book. You'll love Elliott's ideas best if you just happen to be into *all* of the following:
psychology, specifically shadow work and Jung;
Buddhism and Neobuddhism, such as Byron Katie's method The Work;
Neopaganism/Wicca;
conscious eroticism/tantra/conscious kink.
You'll probably be willing to at least explore what Elliott is proposing if you're *at least* familiar with and positive towards Buddhist and Neobuddhist ideas of suffering and believe that there is more than meets the eye, so you're at least *open* to ideas like the law of attraction without refuting them as absolutely impossible.
This book is not for you if you're into psychology and shadow work, but not into anything spiritual. It's also very much not for you if you aren't willing to subscribe to the idea that we are responsible for our own suffering. Elliott will definitely try to change your mind, but I yet have to see the first person set on being a victim who lets themselves be convinced that they're not.
Cool, now that we've gotten that out of the way, what is this book about? Basically, Elliott's premise is that the suffering patterns we invoke on ourselves (please note: she very specifically speaks of repetitive frustrating issues, not of every single thing that may or may not happen in your life) exist because there is a repressed part of ourselves that longs to experience them.
Then, she proceeds to explain how we can stop repressing this part so that it can get its fulfillment and we can align with it, rather than have it control us.
Personally, what I absolutely love about this method, is that it only requires you to accept the premise above and be radically honest with yourself. I've tried this method over the last few weeks on stuff like my relationship, my friendships, my finance - it works beautifully. It didn't magically change everything overnight, but acknowledging that I actually enjoy where I'm at makes me a lot less frustrated.
Personally, I specifically liked lesson 2 and a part of the exercises in lesson 4 (particularly lesson 12 is an absolute favorite, while as far as I'm concerned 6 and 11 could easily be omitted).
And honestly, for this alone, I'd happily give Elliott 4 or even 5 stars (I should add here that I happen to be her exact target audience, loving the workings of our mind and specifically Jung's ideas, having explored neopaganism throughout my teens and twenties, loving teachings by Byron Katie and great minds like Alan Watts, and exploring tantra).
Unfortunately, the writing is a total mess. It starts with lesson 1, which presents the premise and really has quite some decent ideas, but also makes a lot of bold claims that aren't backed by either irrefutable logic or by citations. You could do shots every time you come across one, and you'd be in a coma before you even reach lesson 2. So there's that. (Ironically, lesson 2 gets better, because here Elliott explicitly addresses the fact she can't back up her claims and basically asks you to just give her the benefit of the doubt and see for yourself).
Then, parts of her book are repetitive. I'm not just talking 'repeating ideas already stated', although there's plenty of that, too. I'm talking 'a chunk of lesson 10 is a literal copy of a part of the introduction'. This isn't just Elliott's mess, it also reflects really poorly on the publisher (Weiser Books).
And sometimes, the structure just doesn't make much sense, which is particularly clear in the order of the exercises. Some of them just seem to go nowhere. Hey, exercise 11, surely an exercise should at least include an exercise?
If you can look past this and you're part of her intended audience: this book has a lot to offer. Otherwise, just skip it!
April 9, 2023
I can’t remember the last time I disliked a book this much. But I do think there’s a truth at its center.
I picked it up because I’m interested in the ideas of Jung, shadow, and the process of integration. The author uses the metaphor of sexual kink to point out that there are parts of ourselves (shadow) that relish negative experiences and feelings. The idea that there is a perverse enjoyment of these things jibes with my experience. Who hasn’t noticed themselves enjoying a good wallow, or soaking in self-pity, or holding onto righteous anger? Recognizing this and accepting and exploring it has been helpful.
But she takes this “kink” metaphor to a nonsensical extreme, or at least one that I can’t identify with. In fact, it turns out that it’s not a metaphor at all. She’s literally saying we all get unconscious sexual joy from feeling bad.
There is a whole lot of new age, spiritual mumbo jumbo mixed with magick, Buddhism, tantra, and whatever else. There are promises of increased wealth, love, and happiness. The writing annoyed me to no end, with its “badass witchy sex goddess” vibe.
There are important concepts here, but this was not the framework I needed for them, personally.
I picked it up because I’m interested in the ideas of Jung, shadow, and the process of integration. The author uses the metaphor of sexual kink to point out that there are parts of ourselves (shadow) that relish negative experiences and feelings. The idea that there is a perverse enjoyment of these things jibes with my experience. Who hasn’t noticed themselves enjoying a good wallow, or soaking in self-pity, or holding onto righteous anger? Recognizing this and accepting and exploring it has been helpful.
But she takes this “kink” metaphor to a nonsensical extreme, or at least one that I can’t identify with. In fact, it turns out that it’s not a metaphor at all. She’s literally saying we all get unconscious sexual joy from feeling bad.
There is a whole lot of new age, spiritual mumbo jumbo mixed with magick, Buddhism, tantra, and whatever else. There are promises of increased wealth, love, and happiness. The writing annoyed me to no end, with its “badass witchy sex goddess” vibe.
There are important concepts here, but this was not the framework I needed for them, personally.
November 22, 2022
There were a few interesting thoughts in this book, but it's so poorly written that it was genuinely difficult even to skim. The author really needed to think through and organize more, and skip the excessive texting-type speak of "sooooooo" in italics. Yeesh. Doesn't getting a PhD require a lot of writing?
If you're a white woman bragging about making $1000 an hour coaching people in the business world, you're benefitting enormously from white supremacy and I hope you're paying a chunk of that back in reparations.
Also, the kink connection is fun, but it wasn't woven in smoothly. It felt more slapped on for shock value, rather than really delving into the possibilities of the metaphor. Many chances missed to draw some strong and clear images.
If you're a white woman bragging about making $1000 an hour coaching people in the business world, you're benefitting enormously from white supremacy and I hope you're paying a chunk of that back in reparations.
Also, the kink connection is fun, but it wasn't woven in smoothly. It felt more slapped on for shock value, rather than really delving into the possibilities of the metaphor. Many chances missed to draw some strong and clear images.
September 6, 2020
I have been doing a lot of Shadow work that has left my kink crave a lick and just like that this book appeared.
I grew excited when I seen Jung’s quotes but as I tried to comprehend what this book was about and how it applies to my life at this moment, I asked myself, wtf is this book really about?
The answer I received from my Shadow was to stop reading the book.
This book doesn’t have the vibe or message I am searching for.
I grew excited when I seen Jung’s quotes but as I tried to comprehend what this book was about and how it applies to my life at this moment, I asked myself, wtf is this book really about?
The answer I received from my Shadow was to stop reading the book.
This book doesn’t have the vibe or message I am searching for.
January 29, 2021
I read this book slowly, never really sure if I was getting anything from it but still being interested enough to continue with it. Other reviewers have already put into words more or less how I feel about this book, but basically: There's some really interesting ideas, I like that there's not a focus on simply brushing aside "negative" feelings or impulses, but overall it was sloppily-written and I found the concepts and practices to be thrown together too confusingly to really stick with me. She took a lot of well-known ideas and techniques (laws of attraction, shadow selves, ego selves, loving-kindness practices, etc.) and tried to give them a sexy new coat of paint, but none of it felt cohesive enough to stand on its own.
Her core philosophy is this: We enjoy the pain and struggle in our lives because they stimulate us in deep and intense ways, and we worry that our lives might be boring without the pain and struggle -- and this may very well be true! Therefore, we subconsciously seek out ways to bring pain and struggle into our lives (for ourselves and others, to various extremes depending on our kink) so that we can continue to have a reliable source of that stimulation. But on the flipside of that, I think that this philosophy edges dangerously close to gaslighting ourselves: “You’re not having a bad time, you’re actually enjoying this.”
One of the things that I most got from this book is not that we take pleasure in the emotions themselves, and not that we are the only ones responsible for those emotions, but that our habitual reactions to emotions, people, and situations stimulate something deep and secret in us, which may actually be giving us kinky pleasure. This is not quite what she’s said in the book, but that's how I’m interpreting it.
Also, to be honest, I'm not sure I really understood how to put into practice any of her patented EK techniques. Oh well.
Basically, I appreciated the lack of "Love and Light" which is so common in most spiritual self-help books, and do find some of her ideas interesting for self-development, but I'm not sure I could whole-heartedly recommend this book to anyone.
Her core philosophy is this: We enjoy the pain and struggle in our lives because they stimulate us in deep and intense ways, and we worry that our lives might be boring without the pain and struggle -- and this may very well be true! Therefore, we subconsciously seek out ways to bring pain and struggle into our lives (for ourselves and others, to various extremes depending on our kink) so that we can continue to have a reliable source of that stimulation. But on the flipside of that, I think that this philosophy edges dangerously close to gaslighting ourselves: “You’re not having a bad time, you’re actually enjoying this.”
One of the things that I most got from this book is not that we take pleasure in the emotions themselves, and not that we are the only ones responsible for those emotions, but that our habitual reactions to emotions, people, and situations stimulate something deep and secret in us, which may actually be giving us kinky pleasure. This is not quite what she’s said in the book, but that's how I’m interpreting it.
Also, to be honest, I'm not sure I really understood how to put into practice any of her patented EK techniques. Oh well.
Basically, I appreciated the lack of "Love and Light" which is so common in most spiritual self-help books, and do find some of her ideas interesting for self-development, but I'm not sure I could whole-heartedly recommend this book to anyone.
Read
September 16, 2023The most common refrain I hear from people about Existential Kink is that the book changed their life, but god if only the writing wasn't so cringe. I'm increasingly convinced that the cringe is in fact the source of its power. You cannot make it through the first couple of chapters and think particularly highly of yourself, which seems a precondition for being able to practice what it's preaching: beholding the most shameful and dirty and unloved aspects of yourself, finding the messy and messed-up pleasure in that, and doing what Carolyn Elliott calls the alchemical. This book called me a slut like a hundred times. It was incredible.
February 18, 2021
This book was such a struggle for me for a number of reasons. The writing and organization was confusing, first of all, which is extremely problematic when offering self help concepts and ideas to help people work through issues. The premise that the negative things in our lives are things we secretly want is a fascinating premise, but there was no proof in the pudding. I feel the author was so focused on using keywords like kink and getting off that she forgot to back up her claims. I feel like the book was just her ideas and beliefs stated as facts. Sorry, I need some proof and explanation to wrap my brain around an outside the box premise. Stories of her coached clients alone are not proof because there could be other explanations for their events.
I’m fine with her tone and swearing. What I’m not fine with is the prevalent attitude throughout the book that says “If you do x, then y will happen” without addressing the why with data or supporting explanation. There’s also no allowance for x being hard, or it taking awhile for y to happen, or how z might make them difficult, or what you might discover along the way that will require dealing with, or there might be some extenuating circumstances that require a different approach, etc. There’s no acknowledgement that people are different or some things might work better for others.
Where I noticed these issues most is in her deepest fear inventory, which is an activity of writing your fears on paper related to achieving a goal. I am supposed to write them down in a very specific way, then read them to someone, then tear them up sending a message to my brain to delete them. The premise is that I will do this every day for some weeks, the fears become boring, and then I let them go. Um, what? Why would that happen? What data, experiments, or brain science leads me suggests that this repetition creates fear boredom to the point they disappear? There’s no explanation of why it would work but just an almost offhand attitude simply declaring it is so. Sorry, I need something to back up self help claims. I also need acknowledgment of some wiggle room or that things work differently for others or that there might be other ways to work through this.
I’m all for people writing down what works for them or what things they have seen work with others. However, this book is written in a weird way that is presented as a successful procedure that works but seems to be more the author’s personal belief. I think that felt like misrepresentation to me, and it contributed to my inability to get behind the premise. I was expecting, like a typical self help book, evidence to support the premise and more delving into the “why” this works psychologically speaking. In other words, I can’t jump on board just believing everything the author says because it’s in a book.
I encourage everyone to read the “About the Author” section to understand she doesn’t have a psychology education but studied culture. She also helps people by using “shadow integration practices and applied occult philosophy.” So she’s a life coach? Coach of some sort? She does not appear to be licensed in counseling or psychology nor education in either. I think this is problematic because I was approaching this book as a self help book. Perhaps that is my mistake and I should have approached it as a cultural game to break the norm. However, the synopsis reads like it’s self help, and Amazon lists its sales ranking in the self help category, so I don’t think I was way off in having those expectations.
I’m fine with her tone and swearing. What I’m not fine with is the prevalent attitude throughout the book that says “If you do x, then y will happen” without addressing the why with data or supporting explanation. There’s also no allowance for x being hard, or it taking awhile for y to happen, or how z might make them difficult, or what you might discover along the way that will require dealing with, or there might be some extenuating circumstances that require a different approach, etc. There’s no acknowledgement that people are different or some things might work better for others.
Where I noticed these issues most is in her deepest fear inventory, which is an activity of writing your fears on paper related to achieving a goal. I am supposed to write them down in a very specific way, then read them to someone, then tear them up sending a message to my brain to delete them. The premise is that I will do this every day for some weeks, the fears become boring, and then I let them go. Um, what? Why would that happen? What data, experiments, or brain science leads me suggests that this repetition creates fear boredom to the point they disappear? There’s no explanation of why it would work but just an almost offhand attitude simply declaring it is so. Sorry, I need something to back up self help claims. I also need acknowledgment of some wiggle room or that things work differently for others or that there might be other ways to work through this.
I’m all for people writing down what works for them or what things they have seen work with others. However, this book is written in a weird way that is presented as a successful procedure that works but seems to be more the author’s personal belief. I think that felt like misrepresentation to me, and it contributed to my inability to get behind the premise. I was expecting, like a typical self help book, evidence to support the premise and more delving into the “why” this works psychologically speaking. In other words, I can’t jump on board just believing everything the author says because it’s in a book.
I encourage everyone to read the “About the Author” section to understand she doesn’t have a psychology education but studied culture. She also helps people by using “shadow integration practices and applied occult philosophy.” So she’s a life coach? Coach of some sort? She does not appear to be licensed in counseling or psychology nor education in either. I think this is problematic because I was approaching this book as a self help book. Perhaps that is my mistake and I should have approached it as a cultural game to break the norm. However, the synopsis reads like it’s self help, and Amazon lists its sales ranking in the self help category, so I don’t think I was way off in having those expectations.
May 12, 2022
I am... embarrassed to own a copy of this, let alone to have read it.
I thought this would be more about something else; I was thinking more philosophical, kinda like Cigarettes are Sublime (which I'm going to reread after this) but this was verging on The Secret. Lots of talk of witchy manifestation, actual references to "alchemy" as though it were legit science, or worked,
There are, at least, I think, some useful kernels in here if you're willing to dig - there's something to be said for really diving into what you like and don't like, what you want and don't want, what you're secretly desiring and/or ashamed of, what you're willing to admit to yourself about yourself and what you're afraid of, in and out of the bedroom. Looking at where you get certain messages and stories from and what they mean to you - this is all great self-work, for sure. Escaping old patterns, seeing how things that aren't great for you still are doing SOMETHING for you, and then consciously deciding whether to change or not... all great.
But I don't think secretly loving poverty and realizing you get off on living paycheck to paycheck in a visceral way will magically make you begin to earn more income. Sorry.
Also, the author mentions this quote - a good one, to be fair - no less than 16 times. !!!
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate." (Jung)
It's also super weird to me that while REALLY harping on this quote, she kinda side-steps then completely ignores the part of Jung's philosophy where lots of stuff isn't under YOUR direct control because of the "collective unconscious" we're all creating together that lies underneath our society and norms and stuff. I mean, if we're going to talk about what's taboo and why and how things make us feel icky but we love them... how could you not address that?
She also, I believe, has a very flimsy grasp on actual existentialism. For one thing, a lot of what she talks about is basically Bad Faith and she never mentions that concept not even once. How? I just - cannot. And despite the title, and despite that she hints at having literal body arousal at thoughts of "bad" things, there's very little discussion of actual kink. I think she brings up Foucault once, but again, doesn't really seem to be using any of his actual theories - she mainly just cherry-picks things from philosophy and interprets them however she wants to support her thesis. Youch.
Did I mention that I'm embarrassed that I read this? Well, I am. (But not enough to skip posting it on GR because THIS YEAR I am TRULY going to make my 100 book goal - for real.)
I thought this would be more about something else; I was thinking more philosophical, kinda like Cigarettes are Sublime (which I'm going to reread after this) but this was verging on The Secret. Lots of talk of witchy manifestation, actual references to "alchemy" as though it were legit science, or worked,
There are, at least, I think, some useful kernels in here if you're willing to dig - there's something to be said for really diving into what you like and don't like, what you want and don't want, what you're secretly desiring and/or ashamed of, what you're willing to admit to yourself about yourself and what you're afraid of, in and out of the bedroom. Looking at where you get certain messages and stories from and what they mean to you - this is all great self-work, for sure. Escaping old patterns, seeing how things that aren't great for you still are doing SOMETHING for you, and then consciously deciding whether to change or not... all great.
But I don't think secretly loving poverty and realizing you get off on living paycheck to paycheck in a visceral way will magically make you begin to earn more income. Sorry.
Also, the author mentions this quote - a good one, to be fair - no less than 16 times. !!!
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate." (Jung)
It's also super weird to me that while REALLY harping on this quote, she kinda side-steps then completely ignores the part of Jung's philosophy where lots of stuff isn't under YOUR direct control because of the "collective unconscious" we're all creating together that lies underneath our society and norms and stuff. I mean, if we're going to talk about what's taboo and why and how things make us feel icky but we love them... how could you not address that?
She also, I believe, has a very flimsy grasp on actual existentialism. For one thing, a lot of what she talks about is basically Bad Faith and she never mentions that concept not even once. How? I just - cannot. And despite the title, and despite that she hints at having literal body arousal at thoughts of "bad" things, there's very little discussion of actual kink. I think she brings up Foucault once, but again, doesn't really seem to be using any of his actual theories - she mainly just cherry-picks things from philosophy and interprets them however she wants to support her thesis. Youch.
Did I mention that I'm embarrassed that I read this? Well, I am. (But not enough to skip posting it on GR because THIS YEAR I am TRULY going to make my 100 book goal - for real.)
January 16, 2021
The thesis is shocking - you are miserable because you enjoy it, whether or not you are aware of the pleasure or willing to admit to yourself that you find pleasure in the exquisite angst. I had a visceral reaction against the thesis; there is no way I want to persist the sorrow, loneliness, and disappointment I feel. However, I have found that when I have an extreme reaction, there is something I need to learn about myself, so I continued reading.... and as I examined myself, I realized there are so many layers and motivators to my despair. This book opened my eyes to myself in an unconventional way and also sparked a change in both my self-examination and willingness to accept my agency and responsibility for the way I feel. I’m glad I stuck with it and entertained her perspective.
September 21, 2020
I didn't love the first 40-ish page set up to the method the book is named after. It felt repetitive.
However, once I arrived at the method (towards the middle) the book began to deliver. The second half of the book was filled with "Exercises" that were really the philosophical backbone for the whole book itself and where I found much of the nutrition to be, so I'm very glad I stayed with it.
I would recommend this book particularly to people who would consider themselves "stuck", but not depressed, and maybe a bit put-off by the world of "positive thinking."
If that's you, Carolyn's got your back.
However, once I arrived at the method (towards the middle) the book began to deliver. The second half of the book was filled with "Exercises" that were really the philosophical backbone for the whole book itself and where I found much of the nutrition to be, so I'm very glad I stayed with it.
I would recommend this book particularly to people who would consider themselves "stuck", but not depressed, and maybe a bit put-off by the world of "positive thinking."
If that's you, Carolyn's got your back.
February 25, 2022
Not the book I was expecting, but one with an incredibly powerful narrative for uncovering how the shadow works. Parts of the witchy writing did throw me off and it’s incredibly embarrassing to try to recommend it to others, but in terms of powerful books that made me reconsider the structure of how I understand the world — huge, huge impact. It connected many things I’ve been thinking about in a way that finally made them connect. Is it the best writing? God no. But the narrative is strong enough to have results.
April 18, 2022
Just returned this. Got baited because it had two words in the title I've been fascinated by for a long time. Now I am angry I even touched it and I can only agree with what other negative reviews here already lay out.
It is fascinating how little professional academic writing there is on sexuality overall. But I thought this might be it. It is not. I don't even think it is good journalism. A dangerous accumulation of uncritical rambling. Spiritual? Maybe. Stupid? For sure.
It is fascinating how little professional academic writing there is on sexuality overall. But I thought this might be it. It is not. I don't even think it is good journalism. A dangerous accumulation of uncritical rambling. Spiritual? Maybe. Stupid? For sure.
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