Dear Failure,
Recently I've been feeling the need to spend more time alone than I ever have after spending most of my 20s either at work, the gym, or out partying with friends. For the last ten years, I've pretty much always been surrounded by people.
Last year, a good friend of mine died in a car accident while drunk. Luckily, no one else died, though others were injured. Like an idiot, I spent the first few months after his death getting drunk with our friends and acting like an asshole because I was sad in a way I'd never been sad before.
It's taken me a while, but I'm 6 months sober now. I feel proud of myself. I've never committed to something like I have to my sobriety, and physically, I'm feeling better than I have in my entire life. But I've also lost a lot of friends who kept drinking and seemed to take my decision to get sober personally, like my choice was a judgment on them or something. It's been lonely.
The further I get away from who and how I was, the more I worry that I no longer know how to connect with other people. I tried AA. It's not for me. I'm in therapy. That's more my speed.
Not drinking has made me feel more at peace with myself, but I don't know how to socialize with people now. I understand that my friends aren't asking me out to bars for a reason, but I can't help but feel bummed that that's all they want to do. I'm not used to spending time with other dudes doing much of anything else, which is another layer of my discomfort right now, I guess.
Anyways, what do you think? Am I destined to be a loner if I stay sober? How do I learn how to be around people again?
Thanks,
Loner
Dear Loner,
This week I started watching that reality TV show, Alone. Have you heard of it? Essentially, a bunch of people are dropped off in the middle of the wilderness, alone, and the last person standing wins a buttload of cash. They build shelters and scavenge for seaweed to snack on. They're excited at first. And then surviving every day becomes mundane and terrifying and boring and they go to war with their minds as much as with the elements. At any time, those alone on the island can use their emergency phone to call and throw in the towel. As soon as they make that call, a rescue team will be on the way to pick them up.
Anywho, as the show goes on, you see people drop off for various reasons. Some are scared shitless when bears and cougars start stalking their camps. Others get sick or realize they're in an area where there's no way for them to survive off of the resources they can find with their level of ability and ingenuity. Some realize that confronting their ego and desire to do something "great" feels awful stupid when they could be at home with those they love. One guy went home when he realized time was ticking on, time that he could be spending with his mother dying of cancer. That's what it ultimately comes down to for those who leave and those who make it to the very end. They're doing it for themselves, but they're also doing it for those they love, whether they leave or stay. And, by far, the hardest part of the whole experience is being alone.
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