In a recent viral video, New York psychologist Arianna Brandolini was called “callous” by some after she posted a TikTok guide to breaking up with a friend. While she claimed that phrases such as “I’ve treasured our season of friendship” and “I have no capacity to invest” could be useful, others disagreed. Some even found her approach so “cold and insincere”, they said they would rather be ghosted.
While the clinical approach is clearly not for everyone, leaving a friendship is rarely easy, no matter how you choose to do it. So, what are the best and most ethical options for ending it? Can you ever resolve your differences? And when is it essential to leave?
Explain – without the therapy speak
When it comes to challenging conversations, psychologist and psychotherapist Anna Sergent says it’s kinder to avoid the sort of language more commonly used by therapists. “Therapy speak isn’t new. As far back as the 1940s, paediatrician Donald Winnicott broke down psychology concepts for people on the radio,” she says. “It started as a positive thing, to help people understand the behaviours of their children. But using it for a breakup conversation puts a barrier between you and them. They might feel intimidated or unclear what you mean. It’s better to give specific examples about things you feel have gone wrong.”
If the person gets upset, she says you should reiterate that you don’t mean to be hurtful, while making it clear why the friendship is having a negative impact on you. “Listen to their arguments to see if things can be resolved, but if you’re absolutely sure you don’t want to be in that relationship, it’s kinder to stick to your guns. Sticking with a friendship through guilt isn’t a positive outcome for either of you.”
Cognitive behavioural psychotherapist Navit Schechter says that when you communicate your concerns, it’s important to take ownership of your own feelings. “For example, if you think someone is being selfish, don’t make accusations and use labels; explain exactly how their behaviours make you feel and that you want to end the relationship as a result.”
It’s a technique that worked for Amy, 39, when she broke off a six-year friendship. “My friend called me just as I was about to give birth,” she says. “Her parents had paid for a six-week trip abroad for her, and she was complaining they wouldn’t pay her rent while she was away. She never even asked me how I was.” For Amy, it seemed typical of her friend’s selfish attitude. A few weeks later, she sent her friend a message explaining exactly why her behaviour was upsetting, and said that she wanted to end the friendship. “She didn’t understand why I hadn’t brought it up before, but I don’t think I’d fully recognised it until then. That incident made me really reflect properly on her behaviour from the past.” The pair haven’t spoken for years, but Amy does not regret her decision. “I was very clear about what went wrong and why I didn’t want her in my life. I just couldn’t rely on her and that’s something I need from a friendship.”
Let the friendship drift
In some situations, Schechter suggests it might be more appropriate to simply let the friendship “cool off naturally”. “We live in an emotionally avoidant society where people like to push their feelings down, which is why some people find it easier to ghost,” she says. But this can be painful for the person on the receiving end, as well as making things awkward in mutual groups. “If you’ve ghosted someone completely, other friends may feel like they’re in the middle or have to choose sides,” she says. To keep the peace, you can choose to simply see the person less often.
Unlike romantic relationships, which are often monogamous, Schechter says it’s sometimes easier to drift away from friends. “Friendships can change over time. It’s perfectly fine to have friends you see once or twice a year or just in a group,” she says. “You can always build new relationships if you feel you’re missing something, for example friends with common interests.”
Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at counselling services charity Relate, says some problems can be solved by adopting an acquaintance-style relationship. “With childhood friends, it’s common for people’s lives to move in very different directions. But do you need to cut that person off completely? Or could you move to a different position? Although she says each situation is unique, if there’s room to keep someone in your life, even at arm’s length, it could be a healthier and less reactive choice in the long-run. “It also gives you the option to revisit that friendship later down the line.”
Don’t be afraid to leave an abusive friendship
Sometimes, staying in a friendship is too damaging, putting you at risk of either physical or mental harm. In these rare situations, Schechter says it can be acceptable to ghost or block someone, if the person might be a danger to you, or has done something unforgivable. “Specific situations where leaving abruptly might be the best solution include unprovoked attacks, such as physical or verbal abuse, bullying, or a huge betrayal, such as cheating with your partner.”
For Ellie, who is in her 40s, ending a friendship of 30 years was painful but she believes that, ultimately, it was the right decision. “She could have extreme mood swings and be possessive and demanding. When she came to my house, either my partner or I would stay sober in case she had too much to drink and became volatile.” Over time, her behaviour got worse. “One day, she became verbally abusive and told me I was an awful mother and that my kids and husband hated me. She had said it before but this time she was sober. From that moment, I knew we’d never speak again.”
Although she does still miss her friend, Ellie says her mental health has improved significantly since ending the friendship. “I do not regret our break up, because I am at peace now.”
Consider the alternatives
Before pulling the plug on a friendship, however, it’s important to recognise that there may be a deeper reason why a friend can trigger negative feelings. As Major says: “In 30 years of therapy, I have never used words like ‘toxic’ to describe people or situations,” she says. “Instead, we try to analyse behaviours to determine why an action is causing upset. Sometimes, it’s easier to transfer your pain on to someone else, and believe that they’re the reason for your distress when issues or disagreements occur.”
Sarah, 42, admits she has previously been “too quick” to dump friends. “I had a lot of trauma growing up, which led to low self-esteem,” she says. “I started to notice I was a doormat in my relationships and giving more than I was getting out of them.” As a result, she found herself running in the opposite direction and cutting people out if she felt they were taking advantage. After some self-reflection, she saw that sometimes her actions were more an indication of her own insecurities. “I started to realise that people have different capacities and that’s not always about me.”
Schechter says that good communication can help to avoid the breakdown of a difficult friendship. “Breaking up with a friend, especially a long-term friend, feels like quite an extreme action,” she says. And, although people might believe that walking away is the ultimate act of self-care, she argues that compassion, for yourself and others, could be more powerful. “For example, if a friend is demanding you always go to places that are convenient for them, it might be an idea to talk to them and understand why this is happening. At the same time, communicate why this is hard for you and why you’d prefer it to become more balanced.”
In a highly polarised world, rows over political opinions are another common reason that friendships dissolve. In cases where someone is deeply intolerant of your lifestyle choices, their views make you feel unsafe, or their opinions incite hate or aggression, then leaving is probably the best solution. “It’s best to be open and honest, and tell the person that you don’t feel your values match any more and that you can’t justify the friendship,” says Sergent. For run of the mill disagreements, she says a certain amount of friction can be healthy. “Sometimes people think they need to hang out with a certain sort of person, and cancel friendships with people who have different beliefs or interests. But you can discover new things about yourself by being with people who are different.”
Some names have been changed